This is what a bad day is like for me.
While I have done a lot of healing, growing and changing over the past six months, the last thing to heal seems to be my self-image. The inner voice that tells me who I am and where I fit into the world around me. That harsh voice that rises up inside my head especially when I see pictures of myself or my reflection in a store window as I walk by when I'm out shopping. I'm so hard on myself sometimes. So critical that I can dismiss every compliment I receive with the wave of my hand.
I have an idea of how I look which is usually better than I actually do look. Then I see a picture or my reflection and I'm made to see the reality and I'm disappointed and harsh with myself. To be honest, I don't like that I look my age. I wanted to lose the weight and look 40 NOT 57. I'm not happy with the wrinkles, the saggy chin, the flabby arms, the saggy boobies --- hell, I'm paying the consequences of years of neglect and I'm whining about it. I want a big pay off for all of this work and, truthfully, I'm not going to get the pay off I want. Oh, I'll get a lot of pay off in the good health department and for that I am grateful BUT (and isn't there always a but) I want to look better than I'm going to. I'm being a selfish brat and I know it. I'm embarrassed to express this and let other see this side of me. But if I am going to get through this I have to be honest and lay it out there. I am going to have to accept the reality and deal with it. I am going to have to LOVE me just the way I am or I'm not going to keep this weight off because the disappointment will drive me back into the food. I can just hear the, "What the hell difference does it make" line I told myself over the years. I don't want to go back there and have any excuses to gain the weight back so I have to be gut honest and own all of my feelings, good, bad, indifferent.
This ride is a roller coaster for me. Long periods of ups where I'm breezing along feeling on top of the world. Then I have a dip where I have to deal with the down side of myself. Where I face my internal enemies, those old voices that have kept me from succeeding. The fears, the insecurity, the feelings of being unworthy and feeding my addiction to sugar and carbs all of those years kept me in a little box that I am now breaking out of. I don't want go crawl back into that darkness so I'm going to fight back this time and deal with those voices until they shut the heck up!
5 comments:
Stay in the light !and dont listen to negative voices ,I have yet to speak to Anyone who is completely happy with the way they are !!.......Jan xx
Good for you! It is hard as we grow older and suddenly see ourselves as not the young person we feel inside. I think we all have to accept the fact that we are getting older and more wrinkly but as long as we're loved still why should we mind? If we make the best of ourselves we're doing all we can and it's the person inside who matters most. The world is obsessed with image, it's making a lot of kids develop eating disorders which is such a bad thing. Jeannette xx
ah I hate getting older I really do!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont like what i see
We all have to face our inside enemies at some time in our lives, try and visualise things going in to expel them, that works for me sometimes xxx
{{{Kathy}}} I think what you are feeling is very normal and I don't think you are being a selfish brat. I think you are having a moment of self doubt which we all have. As the layers of fat are coming off of me, instead of always being happy....I'm more often horrified when I see what is underneath. I have cried more than once when I see what I have done to myself. I think we feel this way because of the significance put on the female image in our society. Heck, in just the time I've been working on your journal entries.....I've seen a Victoria's Secret commercial 3 times!! You're right, we are never going to look the way we once did, and that would happen even if we were never overweight, the aging process is not very kind to us. There will always be a younger, thinner, woman ready to show us that we aren't. But we have to learn how to celebrate the woman we are now, and remember that it isn't the lines, sags, wrinkles & scars making us feel this way.....it is ourselves. We have come a long way and we are beautiful, wise women. You smile when you see your reflection because you've earned it, but remember that our true beauty isn't reflected in a store window, it's reflected in our heart & soul. Happy Saturday to a very beautiful soul :)
Pooh Hugs,
Linda~
Post a Comment