I'm joining a 30 day challenge sponsered by "My Life In A "Nut" Shell" journaler, Jae. My 30 day challenge is to go to the gym 3x a week and walk 30 minutes the other days for 30 days in a row. Wish me luck!!!
10:42 a.m.
Went to Curves for my work out. Weighed in and I've lost 8.5 lbs. since my last weigh in which was on March 24th, 5 weeks ago. Thats a bit over a pound a week which is a good loss for this point in my program. My total loss: 66.5 pounds.
The weather man kept his promise! It was in the low 80's today and it felt so good. I have the windows open so I can hear the birds tweeting, the crickets churping, and a lawn mower going a block or so away. Dennis is outside on the patio with a glass of wine and his Walkman listening to music. I have a roast in the oven and the aroma is heavenly. Ahhh, Spring!
We went to see the Angels play the Chicago White Sox today. The Sox swept a three game series against us. Boohoohoo. Den thinks they will go to the World Series again this year. The Angels won't get there if they continue to play the way they have. Come on, guys!!! You can do better!
On the way to the game, we stopped to see Den's dad. Bernice was there which was nice. We always like to see her, too. Dad sleeps most of the time now. When we first got there his nurse came in to give him some medication but she couldn't get him to wake up. Dennis went to that side of the bed and called to him. He woke up and managed a little smile. He took his meds and then Den helped him take some water thru a straw. Dennis is so sweet with him. He talked to him about their old dog, Jake (who died many years ago) and about Dad's brother, Frank (who at the age of 94 is alert and lives in an assisted care facility). Dad seemed to like hearing about Jake and Frank. He can't really talk much anymore. It just takes too much out of him. His dementia makes it difficult for us to know if he understands what is going on around him at any given point. Today, we just choose to think he enjoyed Den's stories and went back to sleep happy.
Den's mom, Carol, married Myrl when Dennis was about 5 years old. He was more a dad to him than his biological father because that dad lived clear across the state and only saw Den and his brother once or twice a year. Myrl was DAD. When Carol died in 1981, Myrl was pretty devastated but he was able to pull things together and he soon met Bernice. They married in 1986. Bernice is just the sweetest person. She truly loves Dad and has taken such good care of him since he has had dementia and has been in failing health. We have the greatest respect for her and we are so grateful that we have always agreed on Dad's care and how things should be handled. There is never any tension in the relationship. Praise, God!
We know time is short and that Dad won't be with us too much longer. We go to see him often and pray for him everyday. It is a difficult experience but it is making us stronger and pulling our family closer together. We are talking more and we're not holding back the emotions. We cry together, laugh about funny things Dad says, talk about how much he and Bernice mean to us. We don't want to leave anything unsaid. No regrets. No should haves, could haves....
Today would have been my brother's 54th birthday. It's so strange to think of him as a middle aged man. He would probably be mostly gray, balding, and stocky built. His gray-blue eyes would still sparkle and I'm sure he would still have the same rowdy laugh.
On May 3 we will mark the 34th anniversary of his death. He was killed by a drunk driver 3 days after his 19th birthday. He and three friends had gone to celebrate another friend's birthday and on the way home a drunk ran a red light, slammed into the car he was in killing the 17 year old boy, Andy, in the front passenger seat and critically injuring my brother who was in the back seat. George died the following day from sever internal injuries. Robert, the driver of the car, was only slightly injured (Thank you, God), but carried a lot of guilt because the boys had argued about which way to go home and they had gone the way he had chosen.
Robert got counseling and support from our family, his family and realized that it was in no way his fault. He has healed, married and is living somewhere in Oregon with his family.
Andy was an only child. His parents were so devastated. His parents went to the hospital that night and left with only his class ring, wallet, and a broken heart. He was to have graduated from high school in 6 weeks but that dream and a life time of others were never to be realized.
George was the third of four children and the first son. A free spirit, surfer, friend to everyone, he was voted Most Popular Boy in his Senior Class. He held a very low draft number and knew that he would most likely be drafted within the year and would probably end up going to Viet Nam. As a peace loving guy, he hated the idea but he was willing to face up to his obligation and serve his country. He had just accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and was beginning a quest to know Him better.
His death broke our hearts. My dad, mom, sister, brother and I were in such a state of shock for months after. It takes a long time for the realization to settle in when someone is there one minute and gone the next. The first year or so, ANGER was the main emotion. How could someone be so irresponsible as to drive under the influence and to add insult to injury, it was not even a felony at that time to drive drunk.
The drunkard responsible for killing my brother and Andy left the state to avoid prosecution. This made it so hard on us to know that he was probably never going to have to face up to what he had done. I had day dreams about finding him and doing him great bodily harm. I thought about hiring a private investigator to find him but I never did.
Over the next 20 years, all of us healed our broken hearts. We did the work, cried the tears, walked through all of the emotions and healed. It didn't take 20 years to do that but it was quite awhile. The reason I mentioned the 20 years was that 20 years after George's death, the drunkard was arrested in Colorado for drunk driving. Well, well, well. He plead guilty and was headed back to court for sentencing. The Colorado probation department actually did a good job in checking this guy out before recommending a sentence to the trail judge. In the background check, they found an outstanding warrant from Orange County California for the drunkard's arrest for fleeing prosecution on a drunk driving case. The Colorado probation officer called the Orange County D.A. and asked if they still wanted this guy. The D.A. made calls to the police officers who were on the scene and both said they remembered it like it was yesterday. He called a few other witnesses and they all said they were willing to testify. He called Colorado back and told them, "Yes, we want him back here."
So, when the drunkard went to court for sentencing on his drunk driving charge, he was given a year in jail in Colorado and then told, "But, before you do that year, you have to go back to Orange County, California and stand trial for a drunk driving manslaughter charge that there is an outstanding warrant on you for." I guess he just about had a heart attack. LOL He didn't see that coming. He thought he was out of the woods and the statute of limitations had run out. It would have except that he had been to court, charges had been filed, a court date had been set before he fled. Whoops.....
Anyway, to make a long story longer....LOL.......he was brought back to CA where he sat in jail for 10 months before his trial date came up. Because in 1972 it wasn't a felony, the DA had to do some hard work to find a charge that carried a felony conviction to stick him with. He plead guilty and got credit for time served. He was then sent back to Colorado where he had to his year there. The judge told him if he had another drunk driving offense he would do 5 - 10 years. I don't want to see anyone else get hurt but I would love to see him get picked up again and put away for 10 long ones.
I miss my brother. He was a great guy. Funny, smart, athletic, and loving. We talk about him a lot to keep his memory alive within our family. If anyone else is going through this, please know that there is hope for healing. There will always be a hole in your heart and your family that nothing will fill up but you will find joy, laughter, and hope again.
I've been getting organized this week. Well, to be honest, I've been attempting to get organized. It's an ongoing battle for me. I do well for a few weeks and then the clutter piles start forming and I am back where I started. I have three clutter zones: 1) My desk 2) The kitchen counter by the telephone 3) My Sewing Room. The rest of the house is kept up and tidy but these three zones are disaster prone. It drives my poor husband crazy because he is so neat and orderly. He asks "When?" and I promise "Soon!" I know I have to keep my word because he has a 'cut off' for patience and when he gets to that point he becomes 'The Toss King' and things I value are thrown away. Tuesday was the 'cut off' so Wednesday and Thursday I picked up the piles, sorted out the junk and tossed it and then put everything else away. Now zones 1 and 2 are spotless and zone 3, well........ zone 3 has the door closed for now. LOL
I wish:
You know that Mood: box that has a list of moods to choose from when you sit down to journal? Well, I wish you could type in your mood instead of having to pick one of the generic moods on the list. I'm rarely feeling one of those moods and it just bugs me that I have to compromise to choose one. I'm not really feeling Silly but I'm not Loopy either, my mood doesn't match any of those on that list. It would be liberating to be able to type: Carefree or Bitchy when it fits. I bet they are afraid that someone will type in Horney or Suicidal or in a Murderous Rage. Censorship!!! LOL
This is a picture of Angel Stadium in Anaheim, California
The Angels lost to Detroit tonight. Ahh, well. We'll get 'em tomorrow. I'm not going to the game with Dennis tomorrow. It's a day game which is unusal for a mid-week game. He's taking one of his contractors, Skip. They'll have a great time together.
Jeff and Howard, the canine companion weren't there tonight. Next time we are all there together, I'll snap some pictures of Howard to post in my journal. He's a great dog.
Isn't this the truth! We are getting slammed with high gas prices. Our SUV is sitting in the garage and we are driving our little gas saving Honda everywhere we go! Thank you Mr. President and all of your Big Oil Company Friends who are raking in huge, record breaking profits this year.
One of my new British buddies just informed me that they pay close to $7 a gallon. Perhaps I shouldn't complain as much.....
Cari called a few minutes ago. She's going to go to Liverpool, England AND Dublin, Ireland. Be still my heart! This old Beatlemaniac is green with envy. I guess there is a Beatles Museum there. She promised to take pictures and bring me a surprise. I saw the Beatles in concert when I was 16 years old. I will NEVER forget that night. Ahh, I'll never forgive Paul for not waiting to meet me and marrying Linda instead. LOL I had a deal with my mother, if The Beatles were on The Ed Sullivan Show, I had full control of the TV for that hour. No band before or since has captured my heart like they did. I still get all silly when I see Sir Paul on TV.
Angel Game tonight! Go team, go! If Jeff and Howard are there I will take a picture to post in my journal. I love old Howard. He's such a good dog. We'll stop and see Den's dad on the way. We like to see him as often as we can. Time is short and we want that connection with him.
Not much more to say right now. I may write more later.
I just started a new book by Sue Monk Kidd called The Mermaid Chair. I'm just two chapters into it but I'm hooked already. I knew I would probably like it because I loved her book, The Secret Lives of Bees. She is writing about how the main character, Jessie, feels when listening to other women talk about adventures they've had and she wrote a few lines that capture exactly how I've been feeling lately.
"..............Or--and this was the worst of all --a TV show about some intrepid woman traveling alone in the blueness of Greece, and I'd be overcome by the little river of sparks that seemed to run beneath all that, the blood/sap/wine, aliveness, whatever it was. It had made me feel bereft over the immensity of the world, the extraordinary things people did with their lives --though really, I didn't want to do any of those particular things. I didn't know then what I wanted, but the ache for it was palpable."
I read those words while I was waiting for my husband this morning. I had to read it two or three times because it gave me goose bumps. It describes exactly how I feel. My main job and purpose has been to raise my kids. I've loved that part of my life and I have done it well. I can tell I've done it well because both of my children have become independent, strong and able to go into the world to do well on their own. I believe the true test of good parenting is when your kids go out in the world and function well on life's terms. Now that they are adults, I'm left thinking, What Now?
I want some adventure, a lot of fun, hours filled with purpose and meaning doing something for others. How about a lot of laughter thrown into the mix? Trying something new once or twice a month. Hmmmm, I think this list is a good start. All of this is do-able.
Since November 1, I've been on a journey of self discovery and change. I've lost a lot of weight (62 lb.) and I've gained self-confidence, self-respect, good health, normal blood pressure, normal blood sugar, cholesterol of 129, and the determination to see this through until I reach my goal weight. The "palpable ache" for adventure and fun is a result of this journey. It's going to be a lot of fun to see what happens and where all of this takes me!
Den's test went great. No signs of any serious problems. He wanted this done as a precaution because he turned 60 in December. He learned that two of his clients, both younger than him were diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago. A few years ago, we lost a good friend to the disease when he was just 42 years old. I'm proud of him for taking care of this now before there are signs of trouble. His doctor recommends a follow-up in a few years. Next, it's my turn. YIKES!!!! Someone left a comment asking if my test was routine or if I was having problems...... I'm fine, just need to have a the test to be sure. Colon cancer doesn't present symptoms in the early stages so it's important to get screened.
My Cari called again this morning. I guess Amsterdam is out because the price of the airline tickets has gone up too high. She doesn't want to put it on her credit card (bless her heart!). They got a great deal to Dublin, Ireland - round trip for 78 Euros. What a deal! This will be her final excursion before coming home (14 days and counting!).
Den and I are getting up early in the morning. He has a colonoscopy scheduled for 7:00. He's been fasting all day and this afternoon has been drinking the prep solution to out clean his system. Poor guy. I'm totally impressed. He hasn't complained once. On Wednesday, he has a 9 a.m. appt. with his M.D. to get the results of all the tests he's had done this past month for this complete physical exam. We are not expecting any bad news. He was 60 in December and it's just time he went through all of these screenings to be sure he's as fit as he looks. I ate a small dinner in my office tonight. I would have felt a little guilty having a meal in front of him after he's gone all day without so much as a bite of anything.
We are baseball fans! We have had season tickets to the Angel games for three years. Our team has been on the road for a while but they are opening a home stand tomorrow night. We sold our tickets for tomorrow but we will be there Tuesday for sure. We have come to know many of the other season ticket holders who sit around us and I will be sharing some of the things that go on during the games as the season progresses.
Our friend, Jeff invited us to buy tickets with him. Since he is disabled and uses a wheelchair, we have seats in the disabled section. Jeff and his companion dog, Howard are there most of time. It's amazing to me that Howard (a 10 year old, highly trained Golden Retriever) can sleep through all the noise and commotion going on around him but if Jeff rolls his chair back one inch, he is up and ready to go. He is a very sweet dog.
The behavior of some fans, especially after drinking a lot of beer, can be colorful and lively, to say the least. It's especially lively when the Yankees or when the Boston Red Sox are in town. There are almost as many NY and Boston fans in the stadium as there are Angel fans and that leads to some rather heated interactions. I can't wait to write about some of the characters we have met and the things that happen around us.
Go Angels!
Guess what? When I went downstairs this morning to make coffee, there was a vase full of Bright Yellow Tulips on the kitchen table. Ohhhhh!!! Dennis made a trip to Home Depot this morning to get paint rollers and he saw them on his way out and picked them up for ME.... I was so happy. He doesn't do those things very often and when he does it just makes my day. I love tulips. We were just talking about them yesterday because Cari is going to Holland and one of the things she wants to see is a huge field of tulips that one of her friends saw when she was there a week or so ago. See, little things like this go a long way with me. I'll be nice to him for at least a day or so now. LOL I am kidding. I'm always, well, most always nice to him.
We had a busy afternoon. We left here around 2:00 so we could go by the nursing home and see Den's dad. He was sleeping and we couldn't wake him. He had just been bathed and that probably was too much for him. He has a catheter in which wasn't there Thursday. I'll have to ask Bernice about that tomorrow. His features change every time I see him even if it's been just a few days. Since we couldn't wake him, Dennis and I spent a few minutes praying for him and then we left. I'll go back early in the week to check in again.
From the nursing home, we drove to Newport Beach so Den could take a picture of a home he is remodeling and also take a few measurements. Before we got to that job, we drove around one of the neighborhoods where he has done many remodeling jobs so he could show me the finished projects. My gosh, he's so talented. The homes are so beautiful. You would never know they were added on to or remodeled. They look like they were built to look that way from the ground up. I was really impressed. With Den's designing talents and Kurt's skillful construction these homes are now worth anywhere between $1,500,000 and $3,000,000. I wonder where the owners get that kind of money. LOL
We got to our friend's with 2 minutes to spare! We visited for a half hour and then went to Outback for a good meal and an animated discussion about our upcoming cruise to Alaska. All four of us were talking at the same time but we still heard what each other was saying. It's going to be a great vacation! Come on August 27th!!! Get here.
We have a dinner date with our friends M & D tonight. We've booked an Alaskan Cruise with them for the end of August so tonight I'm sure we will be talking about that. We have all our excursions picked out, booked and paid for. That's so great to do that ahead of time. When planning the excursions, my husband, who is a loner by nature, wanted to do a nature hike that I absolutely would never consider doing. He and Mickey have planned a deep sea Salmon fishing day in Ketchican so that means 2 out of 3 ports, he and I will not be together. Now, that brings up ISSUES that irk the shit out of me. I was going to go back and edit the s...t word but what the hell.... Anyway, he and I have always gone around and around about finding common ground and finding things that interest both of us so we can do things together. He likes back packing, skiing, hiking, and fishing. For 13 years in a row, he went to Convict Lake in the Sierra Mountains with his buddies for Trout Fishing Opening Day and I never complained about that. He goes skiing whenever the mood strikes and do I bitch? NOOOOOO! I encourage him because he works damn hard and he deserves the break. BUT, when we plan a trip away together once a year, I want him to do things with me. I don't think that's being too demanding or unreasonable. Well, when I pitched a fit about the hiking thing (I thought the salmon fishing thing was great) he dug in his heels and told me that it was his vacation and he always wanted to do that and it was probably our last trip to Alaska (it will be our 2nd and most likely our last), etc. etc. I was pissed off for about an hour and until I looked at the excursion list again. You know what I found???? In Ketchican, while he is out on that boat, throwing his guts up trying to land a few salmon, I'll be flying into Neets, Alaska to watch bears fish salmon out of a river. From an observation point, I will actually see live, in-the-fur bears as they catch fish and eat them. It'll be so great! The best thing is, it costs a fortune! $335. I called Dianne and she loved the idea too so we booked it and paid for it. We're both going! Awesome. Now, I'm not pissed off because I am doing something that is on my "I've Always Wanted To Do That" list and I am taking care of myself, my needs, and being responsible for my own fun. I'm growing!!! YIPPEEE............. When I told Dennis, he flinched a bit at the price but he managed to smile, "take the video camera so I can see." was the only thing he said.
I'm standing up for myself and making sure my needs are being met, if not by others -- by myself! I'm becoming my own best friend and care taker. I like myself so much better and he likes me better, too.
I can't believe how many journals I've been reading the past few days. I feel like a Peeping Tom invading the private lives of people I don't know. I shouldn't feel this way because these are Public Journals open for anyone to read. There are a lot of very creative writers in J-Land, as it's called. Some very interesting people from all parts of the country dealing with a huge variety of life's circumstances. Many are grieving the loss of fellow journaler, Pamela who died of cancer this past week. She must have been a very special person because I've read tributes to her in almost every journal I've opened.
Issues like alcoholism, divorce, and abuse to home schooling, gardening, and missing a son who is serving in the Army in Iraq are being written about by AOL Journalers daily. It's therapy. It's a place where people can unload about someone just to get it off their chests. I have to hand it to the Public Journal Writers for being brave enough to open their lives up for others to see. I went public for a few days but it was too uncomfortable for me and I closed it down and made it private. I don't have that much trust. I'll invite people to read mine as I go along. One step at a time. : )
The first entry in a public journal should probably introduce everyone to the writer. So here goes: My name is Kathy. I live in Riverside, CA with my husband of 35 years, Dennis, an architect who works out of our home. We have 2 kids - 10 1/2 years apart. Bryan is 32 - married to Shannon for 9 years. They have 3 adorable, intelligent, amazing children: Megan (6), Nathan (4), and Andrew (17 months). They also have an English Bulldog, Chopper who likes to pee all over me every time I greet him. I'm told I'm the only one he does that to -- aren't I special???? Our daughter, Carianne (she prefers Cari) is 21. Right now, she is studying in Florence, Italy. She has been there since March 3rd and will be back on May 7. She has been dating Sam since she graduated from high school. He's on the study trip, too. While in Venice, in the main plaza, in front of a famous fountain, down on one knee, Sam proposed to our beautiful Cari and she said a joyful, tearful, "YES!" Wow! Both Cari and Sam are juniors in college. They plan to finish their educations before getting married (a big sigh of relief from my husband and me). Cari is a communications major (emphasis on entertainment studies) at Cal State University Fullerton and Sam is training to be a sports trainer at the same University. I have time to save some $$$$ for a wedding (phew!!)
Sam Proposing Cari in Florence
Ok, enough about them (LOL).... I'm really young at heart. I don't think or act my age so I really hesitate to tell you how old I am. You can probably estimate because I told you how long I've been married and how old my kids are. Having Cari 10 1/2 years after Bryan really kept me on my toes and has kept me young-thinking. Ok, Ok, I'm 57. There you have it. I said it. But I want you to put that aside and think of me as an ageless wonder. OK? OK!
Since Nov. 1, 2005 I have lost over 60 pounds. I'm going from fat to thin. I joined Curves for Women so I'm going from lazy and flabby to fit and sort of firm. My parents are aging and have needed me to go to Laramie, Wyoming where they live to help them out 3 times in the past year; once to move and twice because of surgery/illness. I go willingly, happily, lovingly. I'm blessed to be able to do it with my husband's support and the peace of knowing that things here will be handled as if I never left. My father-in-law is dying. Could be any day, could be months from now. We don't know. It's complications of old age (he's 84 years old), dementia, and anemia among other things. His body is just shutting down. This journey withhim has opened all kinds of doors and has, believe it or not, been a real blessing to our family. It's painful, yes, but there have been some deep and wonderful relationship healings that have come out of this process and we are thanking God for those.
I'm going to see Dad today. He doesn't talk anymore. He usually knows me when I go in his room at the nursing facility. I pat his chest and then sit and pray for him while he slips back into sleep. I stay and pray for about a half hour and then drive the 40 minutes back home. I try to do this at least twice a week. It's more for me than for him. He doesn't remember that I've been there when Bernice (his wife, I'll explain these relationships as we go along) comes later. It gives me a lot of peace to see him, to pray for him and to make visual contact. It's all I can do right now.
My trip to see Dad went well. The traffic was light both ways which is an amazing gift. Thank you, God!! Bernice was there which was nice. I always enjoy visiting with her. Good news! Dad actually ate a few bites of solid food and drank 4 oz. of juice and 4 oz. of milk. Way to go, Dad! He had been refusing solids so his Dr. started him on a medication to stimulate his appetite. Hopefully it will help some.
Back to introducing the family: We have a 7 year old West Highland White Terrier, Kasey. She is our first dog, actually our first pet, and we have spoiled her with love and attention. Everyday she does something that makes me laugh and that endears her to me. She is a love bug!
I don't work outside the home but I do work for my husband. I run errands, type construction notes, FAX things to contractors, and take care of things around here so he can devote his time to his work. I enjoy helping him because the more I can do for him, the more time he can spend with me. It's a win - win thing. We are a good team.
I'm the oldest of 3 kids. I have a sister, Carol, who is also my best friend and a brother, Bill, who is 9 years younger than I am. I don't really have much of a relationship with Bill, sadly enough. Carol is married and lives on the Central California Coast in a lovely little town. She and her husband don't have children but they do have a wonderful Golden Retriever, Gracie. Gracie is a beauty with the temperament of an angel. Carol's husband, KS, is a successful Real Estate Salesman and one of the smartest people I know. He's really interesting because he is so different from anyone I've ever known before. You'll hear more about him later I'm sure. Bill and his wife don't have children either (which puts me in the most wonderful position of having my parents' only grandchildren!). My brother works for one of the major soft drink companies and his wife does who knows what. They have been married over 20 years and in all that time we have been invited to their home twice. They live about 25 miles from here. "L" as I will refer to her feels that she married Bill and not his family and she isn't required to extend herself in anyway to us. (She does, though, allow my parents to visit all day Saturday and Sunday morning when they are in California visiting. They even pay for their motel. Lucky them!) We are all pretty happy about that. It keeps us from having to endure her presence and to deal with her moody bitchiness. When I see my brother, I meet him half way between his home and mine for lunch. We enjoy our visit and part ways happy. Those times are few and far between (I've seen him twice in the past 2 years). There was a time when I was angry, hurt, and frustrated about the lack of relationship but during one family dinner when "L" was present and making everyone miserable with her behavior, I realized that she was doing us all a huge favor by not being a part of our lives. If she were around for all the holidays, birthdays, celebrations, etc....... we wouldn't have nearly as much fun. So, I've come to accept her and appreciate that she stays home and to herself. Thanks "L"!!!
In the future you'll meet my friends, more family members, and people that cross my path. It will be fun to share stories about them. I hope, too, that I can also convey my love for Jesus Christ as I write about my life journey. He has brought me to this place in my life where I am changing, growing, learning, exploring, trusting myself, reaching out, and seeking to know Him more each day. Peace be with you today and always.
My Cari has been studying in Florence, Italy since March 3rd. I missed her terribly the first 3 weeks but I've adjusted by keeping busy and because she has been so great about keeping in touch by phone and e-mail. She calls from an Internet Cafe close to her apartment and we are able to talk for 20 minutes for a few Euros. We've heard about excursions to Barcelona, Venice, Switzerland, Rome, Naples, Pompeii, Cinque Terre, Pisa, Vincenza, Padova, Milan and this morning, she talked about going to Berlin.
She loved Berlin and the German people, who she found to be friendly, interesting, helpful, and curious about Americans. Her dad's family is 75% German so she was excited about exploring Berlin to get a feel for her roots. "German children are so beautiful! Sweet round faces..... expressive eyes.... so cute!!!"
"It was nice to fit right in." She laughed. "I stand out in Italy... I look like a tourist. In Berlin, people would just come up to me and start speaking to me in German assuming I was a citizen."
She will be home on May 7th, a changed woman. She left feeling so fearful and insecure about whether or not she could deal with living in Italy for 2 months and survive the language and cultural differences. Her worst fear came true when her luggage didn't arrive until 6 days after she did and she handled that 'crisis' just fine. Circumstances arose and she faced them with maturity and grace. My gosh, she got engaged to be married while she was there! I can hear a new confidence in her voice that lets me know that this experience is something that will benefit her for the rest of her life. It was worth every dime for giving her that confidence in herself. It's something I think she would have developed in time by succeeding in college (which is is doing) and then succeeding in her career. I am thrilled for her that she has it now.. she's so much better off knowing how capable she is at this point so she can fully embrace her future.
Megan (6) and Nathan (4)
What a fun day! I took off early this morning (9:00 a.m.) for the 45 minute drive from my house to where my son's family lives. As I wrote in Saturday, April 15th's entry, we were going to see Ice Age 2 this morning.
I got to the house and knocked on the front door. Megan and Nathan have been taught to ask who is there before opening the door and I always respond, "It's me, the big bad wolf. If you don't let me in, I'll huff and puff and blow your house down!"
I hear the dead bolt click open and lots of giggles as I open the door to greet Meg and Nate who are all smiles, hugs, and loves. After our usual rowdy welcome, they excitedly tell me how they have been waiting for me for 'hours!' and are glad that I'm 'finally' there.
"When are we leaving?" Megan asks.
"In about 45 minutes." I explain. "I want to spend some time with your Mom and Andrew before we go."
They both pretend to pout and follow me into the kitchen where Andrew is sitting in his high chair enjoying some Ritz crackers while Shannon, their Mom, finishes cleaning off the counter.
Andrew actually gave me a big smile. He has, for the past few months, cried when I come in because he assumes I'm there to babysit. I'm relieved he's glad to see me and that he doesn't seem to feel threatened by my presence this morning.
While I catch up on family news with Shannon, I pop a bag of microwave popcorn to take to the movie. I just cannot bring myself to pay $5 for a tub of popcorn. I also brought apple juice (in the little boxes) for the kids instead of soda and Shannon portioned out a bag of Gummy Bears for them to take. That probably saved me $100 (lol).
At 10:15 we head out the door. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the theater and there are only fifteen other cars in the parking lot so there is no line. I pay the $17.50 for 3 tickets and we go into one of those nice stadium theaters and find our seats, half way up and in the middle of the row. When the movie starts, Megan looks around and takes a head count; there are only 9 people in there to see the movie.
Ice Age 2 starts out with a bang and doesn't lose the fast pace throughout the 90 minutes. The kids LOVED it and both said they wanted it for their movie collection when it comes out on DVD. We missed about 15 minutes when there was about 35 minutes left. Nathan had to go to the bathroom and could not wait. Ah, kids! Never fails.
After the movie, we dropped Nate off and Meg and I went to Carl's Jr. for lunch. The restaurant had just opened the day before so it was really nice, clean and the employees were very nice and excited to help us. They had someone in the Carl's Star costume waving as we came in and when we left, we had our picture taken with it. It will be emailed and I'll insert it when it comes.
From there we went to Target. I bought Megan the cutest outfit! I love buying her clothes. She's such a 'chick'. She loves to look pretty and loves clothes, shoes, accessories, and having her nails polished. She picked out a 4-tiered chocolate brown peasant skirt and a white t-shirt that has a pink/brown sparkle heart in the center. So cute! We found a pair of brown sandals at PayLess that go perfectly so she has the total look. I told her I've been watching "What Not To Wear" on TLC so I know how to put an outfit together. She said she is very good at matching, too. We make a great team.
She picked out a Ninja Turtle toy for Nathan and a John Deer tractor toy for Andrew so we would have something fun for the boys when we went home. Both toys were HUGE hits!
Before I left I had to sit on the couch with Meg on one side and Nathan on the other so I could scratch their backs for 30 minutes. Gosh they love that. Everytime I go over, they both back up to me with their shirts pulled up and ask, "Gramma, can you tickle my back?"
Now what kind of grandmother would I be if I turned down a request like that? I cherish those moments because I know that they can feel how much I love them when I scratch their little backs.
Today was Easter Sunday. I miss hiding eggs and filling baskets with Easter goodies. I miss the smell of chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, Reese's peanut butter cup eggs, and hard boiled eggs (NOT!). Actually, it was nice to have a sugar-free Easter. There wasn't a jelly bean anywhere in this house and neither Dennis or I missed them.
We met my son's family early in the day and drove into Orange County to my daughter-in-law, Shannon's aunt's home. Shannon's mom, step-dad, cousin, sister, and uncle joined us and at 1:00 we drove to Knott's Berry Farm for Dinner at Mrs. Knott's Restaurant. Luckily for us, Shannon's aunt had made reservations because the line was at least 100 people long. We only had to wait about 5 or 6 minutes for our name to be called. We had a very nice lunch and then went to see Shannon's maternal grandmother, Gene, at her new assisted living home. What a lovely place it is. Beautiful landscaping, a spacious unit for her, very nice dining facility, huge lobby area with seating areas for visitors and a large fireplace with a roaring fire. She's so much happier. It was great to see her with a sparkle in her eyes again.
I know I said I would take pictures of Andrew today but I failed my mission. I am seeing him on Tuesday when I take Megan and Nathan to the movie. I will take the camera and snap a few of that cutie pie to post here. He is finally bonding to me. I'm so happy about that. His sister and brother bonded much earlier but Andrew.........well, he was such a mama's boy that he didn't let anyone else get close until now. We can forgive him and his mom for that. He's a miracle. Born against all odds. We are so grateful to have him here. Healthy, happy, and whole. It's no wonder his mother held him close a little longer than the first two.
During the past five or six weeks, I have helped my daughter-in-law out by going to the house once a week to keep my two grandsons (Nathan, 4 and Andrew, 18 months) busy while she runs errands and closes out the books to get ready for the tax guy to come and do their 2005 tax returns. I have loved this time with the boys and they have enjoyed having Gramma all to themselves. It's been especially good for Nathan, the middle child, because he gets a few hours of one-on-one spoiling while Andrew naps.
The only fly in the ointment has been that 6 year old Megan is at school during these visits and she has felt left out and a bit jealous. We had a talk not long ago and I told her, "I know it's hard for you to be in school when Gramma is with the boys." She nodded and looked at me with those big hazel eyes. "I have an idea I think you might like."
Her face lit up, "What?"
"When you're on Spring break, Gramma will come down and you and I will have a special outing. Just the two of us."
"Really!!!" She was so excited.
"We can do anything you want." I said and then knowing her vivid imagination I added, "like lunch, a movie, shopping, you know........girl stuff."
She was delighted and that put an end to her feeling left out and jealous when I visited the boys while she was at school.
Last Thursday, I stopped by and had lunch with Shannon and the kids. Megan was home because her Spring break started the day before. It was great to have that time with all of them. Shannon and I talked about a lot of family issues. I shared some pictures that Cari had emailed from Italy. I made a paper airplane for Nathan. After we finished eating,Megan wanted to talk about our outing. She had hoped that I was going to take her right then. I explained that I would have to come back the Tuesday after Easter for our 'Special Day'. She was momentarily disappointed but got over it when I asked her what she wanted to do.
"Hmmmm," she rolled her eyes and began to think. "I don't really know. Name some things."
I laughed and suggested, "Well, we could go to tea and drink with our pinky fingers sticking out."
"Oh, Gramma!" She laughed.
"Oh, I know!" I laughed, too. "Let's go try on wigs. I'd love to see what you look like with bright red hair."
She shook her head as she laughed, "Oh, stop it Gramma. You're scaring me."
I guess my ideas were just a little over the top for her.
We had a good laugh and then talked about going to see the movie Ice Age. She loved that idea. As we talked about it, I could see Nathan looking very sad and hurt. He was being left out. He left the room and went to sit on the stairs.
"Megan, Nathan is feeling very hurt because I'm taking you to see that movie and he's not invited."
She shrugged her shoulders and gave me that, 'I couldn't care less look'.
"Do you think I could invite him to see the movie and then bring him back here? We could go have lunch and still have time for some shopping or whatever you'd like to do.."
It warmed my heart that she didn't even hesitate, "That would be fun!"
She ran to find him and tell him he was invited to see the movie with us.
I love her giving spirit. She told me once that she thought God's purpose for her life was to be of service to others. She enjoys helping her mom so much. When she's with me she loves setting the table and doing dishes.
I am excited about Tuesday. We will go to the 11 a.m. movie and then Meg and I will go off on our little adventure after taking Nathan home. I'll write about that after it happens.
I went with Bernice today to make pre-funeral arrangements for Dad. He doesn't have much time left so I talked to Bernice last week about setting things up ahead of time. She agreed and invited me to go with her today.
On the way to pick her up, I found myself thinking back over the years and remembering key moments with Dad. I recalled the first time we met, how he looked on the day Dennis and I were married, and when I laid Bryan in his arms for the first time. I remembered the times he and Carol would come out for dinner and he would go outside and kick the soccer ball with Bryan when he was a little guy. It was nice to recall his sense of humor and how easily he laughed and how much he enjoyed a good joke. I feel sad in a way that he was so private and locked away. I never really got to know him because he never shared any information about himself, his life, his past, or his experiences. What I know about him I learned from Den's Mom. Oh, sometimes he would tell a funny story about him and his brothers when they were kids but he never would talk about the family in a way that would give a picture of what life might have been like for him as the youngest of 9 kids.
He met and married Bernice in 1986. What a blessing she was in his life. She has the patience of a saint and they really love each other. She has a nice, easy going type B personality and she never minded deferring to his quirky ways. He is a lucky man to have a wife who has taken such good care of him, has made sure that he has received the best possible care now that he is in a nursing home, and a woman who dearly loves him.
When we got to the mortuary, we met with a very kind gentleman who helped us through the planning process. We made all the decisions and now, all we have to do is make a phone call when the time comes. Dad will be cremated and his ashes will be interred at Riverside National Cemetery because he is a WWII veteran and he earned the honor of being buried there.
After we finished our business, we went to see Dad. I got there first and spent about 20 minutes alone with him. He was in and out of sleep but he did recognize me. I sit and I pray for him. I ask God to release him from his pain and to take him to heaven. I also talk to God about his salvation and I trust that God has a plan for Dad's life and I trust that His will shall be done. I know that God is aware of all the circumstances of Dad's life and that he loves him and understands why he is the way he is. That gives me a lot of peace.
I really enjoy writing this journal. It is giving me a creative outlet and helping me express things that have been swirling around inside of me for some time.
I went to Kohl's today hoping to find something to wear on Easter Sunday when we go to dinner at Mrs. Knott's at Knott's Berry Farm. The neatest thing happened! I found a cute outfit and it was on sale for 40% off. Wow! I love when that happens. I was even happier when I tried it on and the size "L" pants were too big and I had to buy a "M". That has never happened before. I will admit they have an elastic waist and stretch real well, but they do look nice and I'm very proud of myself for finally fitting into an M of any kind. When I got to the check out, the clerk asked if I was a senior (over 55) and when I said yes, she informed me that they were having a special additional 15% discount for seniors SO I got the outfit and two cute t-shirts for $57. Holy Cow am I a shopper or what? I left there feeling pretty darn proud of myself for fitting into a new (and smaller) size and for saving big bucks on my purchase. Little things mean so much.
So much is going on around me that my head feels like it's spinning sometimes. Den's step-dad is dying. Bernice (his wife) and I are going to make pre-funeral arrangements on Friday morning. It's surreal and painful. His 84 year old body is just shutting down and getting ready to quit. Watching the process has been difficult, painful, and frustrating. It's happened so fast. In less than a year he has gone from being able to care for himself, go out to dinner once a week with Bernice, understand what he watched on TV, and communicate his needs to not being able to do anything. I mean ANYTHING. He can't even scratch his own nose. He can't make a decision about a single thing. He is like a baby -- totally helpless.
I sit by his bed and pray for him. I ask God to take him, to end his suffering. He is in a lot of pain. He's scared and confused. I ask God to release him from his old body. I've had talks with God about his salvation, too. Dad isn't what we, in our faith, would call 'saved'. He told Dennis that he 'sorta believed in God but you gotta be careful because you can get carried away with that stuff'. So, I pray and talk to God telling him that I know he has a plan for Dad's life and if that plan includes salvation that I know He has a way to make that happen and I will just trust Him to take care of it now. I am going to choose to believe that God will find a way to reach him and that when Dad takes his last breath here he will take his first breath in Heaven in a new body that is free from all the ailments and restrictions of his earthly body.
My beautiful daughter, Cari, got engaged to be married on Friday, April 7 in Venice, Italy. Talk about romantic! In the main plaza by a famous fountain with fellow students, some strangers, and a flock of pigeons watching, Sam got down on one knee, held her ring in one hand and asked if she would marry him. She said a tearful, joyful "YES" and then they hugged. Luckily, there were people taking pictures. See how sweet!
Cari and Sam have been dating for 3 years. They are going to wait until they graduate from college before getting married which Dennis and I fully support. They love, honor and cherish each other. They are each other's best friend and they are equally yoked spiritually which is such a blessing for them and for any children they may be blessed to have. We already love Sam as a son. We feel doubly blessed. We have a wonderful daughter-in-law that we love as a daughter and a future son-in-law that we know will fit right into our family, too. WOW! How great is that?
Subjects to Journal About (in no particular order of importance):
Politics, sex, friendships, my marriage, death and loss,
change, and reinventing myself. My program, changing body
image, emotional changes and growth, fears, hopes, and
the uncertain future.
Those are just a few. I'm sure there will be more. I just wanted to put those down so I have some ideas about where to take things.
I've lost 60 pounds. God that's a lot of weight. I carried my 25 pound dog upstairs the other day and it struck me that I've lost two and a half of her. It wasn't easy hauling her upstairs and it made me so grateful that I don't have all that extra fat on my body anymore to move around. I have been sugar-free since 11/01/05 and it has been such a blessing to my life and my body. I have been free from most 'white' stuff since that day. No rice, potatoes, white flour, noodles, etc. My bloods sugar is near normal. My blood pressure is normal. Heck, my cholesterol is 129! I am getting healthy.
I joined Curves. I never thought I would say that I enjoy exercise but I do enjoy going and doing my 30 minutes. My intention each week is to go 3 times. With all of the family issues involving Den's Dad, my parents, trips to San Luis Obispo, and a few minor injuries I haven't always made my goal but I can say I have done my best. I have lost 7" around my waist as an example of how the exercise has helped.
There have been a lot of interesting things happen along with the weight loss. My confidence has increased. I take much more pride in my appearance by making sure my hair and make up is done each day. I love clothes a lot more, oh and shoes! I really love shoes, too.
Along the way I have learned to be totally honest with myself about my feelings and when things bother me I talk about it immediately instead of stuffing the feelings/problem. My confrontiveness (Is that a word? No, it isn't. It popped up on spell check but it fits.) has created a lot of tension between my husband and me because I just don't let anything go right now. I can't. I have to retrain him and my kids. I've told them I want to get as good as I give. I've taken seconds, thirds and not-at-all for too long and now they have to ante up. I'm not going to be treated unfairly anymore. Since I respect myself a lot more, they respect me a lot more naturally. I don't even really have to demand it. It just comes to me which is wonderful.
