High Winds - Cold Temperatures

We had very high winds yesterday and it looks like they are back this morning.  I had a doctor's appointment in Upland which is in the foothills about 30 miles northwest of Riverside.  I gave myself 75 minutes to get there (it usually takes 30) because I never know what the traffic is going to be like.  When I left home, it was breezy but not windy.  As soon as I headed north on Interstate 15, my gosh, the wind was howling!  My Chevy Tahoe was nearly blown from one lane to the next so I had to slow way down to maintain control.  I read in the paper this morning that there were gusts to 60 mph and it does not surprise me at all.

As I headed north, the traffic jammed up and just crawled at a snails pace.  Between the 60 interchange and the 10 (where I needed to make a change) there was a dust cloud that made visibility very poor.  There is a lot of construction going on in that area so the dirt gets kicked up.  I checked my watch and knew I would never get to my 12:15 appointment on time so I called from my cell phone (what DID we ever do without them?) and explained my situation.  They said Dr. was running late already and asked me to reschedule for Monday. NUTS!  So I got to sit in all that mess for an hour and 30 minutes for nothing.  Pooh. 

I exited the freeway and pulled into a gas station.  I thought I may as well get something to drink and go to the bathroom.  Who knows how long it was going to take me to get home.  LOL  The traffic going South was nearly as bad.  I had to force the car door open because the wind was blowing it closed.  I started pumping the gas and then went into the little mini-market to buy a diet Dr. Pepper.  As I walked, the wind nearly picked me up off my feet and carried me into the store.  LOL.  It was wild!

The good news is, I got home safe and sound.  The biggest obsticles were a few huge tumbleweeds hurling across traffic lanes.  Some were as big as VW bugs.  I kid you not! 

Last night, I wrote a long entry about Christmas Traditions and was about 3/4 of the way through when our power sputtered and flickered just long enough for me to lose it.  Darn-darn-double darn.  I will have to get inspired again to tackle that entry. 

This morning I am heading out early.  Have to get a Latte at Sips and say a cheery good morning to my daughter, Cari who was up and out the door by 6:15 this morning.  I then have to hit WalMart for some teeny lights for my teeny little Christmas tree that I'm going to set on the buffet in the dining room.  I also have to get to Staples for printer ink.  When I get back, its up in my sewing room to work on a Christmas gift for my sister.  I'm making her a vest.  I'm actually piecing the fabric together from quilt squares and then I will cut out the pattern and sew it together.  It's a lot of work but I think it's going to be really cute when it's done.  I'll share pictures when it's complete. 

That is it for now!

 

No Sprinkles Today

The sun is out but it is quite chilly this morning.  The last time I checked the temperature it was only 48 degrees.  I suppose  those of you who are trudging thru snow are shaking your heads and thinking, "that's not cold!"  LOL  We'll to this Southern California girl, it's too cold for my bones.

I picked up my old computer from The Geek Squad yesterday.  they cleaned it, put in a new hard drive and re-installed Windows XP Professional.  It runs great.  The only thing I cannot figure out how to change is the small images on the monitor.  I need magnifying glasses to read the monitor.  I've gone into the control panel to try to fix it but I haven't had any luck.  Do any of you computer geniuses know how to adjust the size of the images?  Any help would be appreciated.  If I have to, I will take it back to Best Buy and see if they can adjust it.

While I was at Best Buy, I bought a set of nice Walkie-Talkies for Nathan for Christmas.  They have a 10 mile range and are guaranteed for 2 years.  I got an extended warranty because I'm giving them to a child.  If he leaves them out in the sun or rain, they can be replaced.  The family does a lot of camping and it would be nice if they had a set of these when they go out.  I also went to Target and finished my shopping for him there.  I got him some small Star Wars characters and a large Power Ranger that he has been wanting.  He's such a dude.  LOL  He wanted the Light Saber but it has a plastic cylinder that shoots out of the handle like the lazer light and I can just see someone getting hurt.  I'm such the worrier when it comes to toys like that.   Now I have to finish buying for Andrew and I'll be done buying for the grandchildren.

It is so hard to know what to get Andrew because he just had a birthday and got so many fun toys and a closet full of clothes.  I will come up with something fun.  It has to be interactive and able to take his rough and tumble abuse. 

I'm driving into Yorba Linda (about 25 miles west of here) to meet my good friend, Dianne for lunch.  She and her husband went to Alaska with us this past summer.  We always have such a good time together. 

On the way home, I have to stop at Costco to pick up a few things and then I'll be back home where it's safe and warm.

Until later.....................

New Christmas Journal

Krissy and her sister, Val have started a Christmas Journal called Joy To The World which will be open through December.  It's going to be full of fun Christmas facts, games, and craft ideas.  Stop by and take a look!

http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/JoyToTheWorld/

 

 

 

Old Letters

I was going through a box of old cards this morning and I ran across a note that I wrote to my son when he was 16 years old.  He was making very poor choices for himself.  He was drinking, probably smoking pot, and just not being productive in any way, shape or form.  We had a discussion about him going away with friends and his Dad and I told him he couldn't go because he wasn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being away on his own for the length of time he would have been gone.

He wrote me a nasty note and asked me when would he be mature enough to do those things.  I answered as follows:

"You will be mature enough to go away with your friends when you start making choices that move you forward in your life instead of moving you back.  When you understand that the rules are made for you, too.  When you can accept responsibility for your behavior with no excuses or putting blame anywhere but on yourself.  When you can sincerely apologize and admit when you are wrong.  Oh, yes, dear, there are times when you ARE wrong."    Love,  Mom

I found the note in the trash the following day so I pulled it out and saved it.  He never said anything about the note but he never mentioned going on the trip again either.

It took another few years for him to get his act together but he has become a very responsible guy.  He makes good,  healthy choices and he's a good model for his kids to follow.

I'm going to dust this off and put it in his Christmas sock.  LOL  He may need to use this one day.

Sunday Night

Had a nice day today.  We went to Bryan and Shannon's for dinner.  It was great to spend the afternoon and evening with them.  I got such a kick out of the kids.   They took me upstairs into Megan's room and put on a little show for me.  They sang four or five songs and danced their little hearts out.  Megan is such a ham.  She loves to put on a show.  Dennis and I always joke and say she's either going to be an actress or a lawyer.  She's so dramatic and she can argue any point in any direction.  Nathan and Andrew are such great supporting actors.  They followed her directions and did the dancing and back up singing.  LOL  It was priceless.

Tomorrow I'm going to run errands, catch up on laundry and take Cari's car in for service.  Her breaks are making a strange noise.  Sounds expensive.

Until later.............

Family Politics

                             

My son called Friday night and told me that my daughter-in-law's dad would be in town from Arizona for Christmas and informed me that he would be joining us for Christmas Eve.  Was I gracious about it?  NO.  I was not.  I pouted and said, 'well, I guess he can come' or something like that.  Bryan said, "Well, thanks for your support."

I went on to explain that my sister's husband wasn't even invited because he has such a bah-humbug attitude about Christmas and I wanted this year to be fun, festive, no-stress and focused on the kids.  I explained that I was really selfish with my time with them but that I would be polite and that they were welcome to bring him.

After I got off the phone, my husband and daughter were giving me this, 'What-Was-That-All-About?' look.  When I explained that Bryan and Shannon were going to bring her dad, I expected them to moan and complain like I did.  They surprised me and said, "So?  He's not a bad guy.  He's nice, quiet and it's not a big deal."

Well, I felt like a big jerk (which I was).  I wasn't very loving and kind at all.  Where was my Christmas spirit?  I gave myself a good talking to and this morning I called Bryan and apologized.  I told him that Shannon's dad was welcome in our home anytime he was in town and that I was out of line to make a stink about him coming on Christmas Eve.  I made sure he understood that my apology and my invitation was sincere so there would be no uncomfortable feelings when they arrive on Christmas Eve.  I feel better about that one aspect of things.  Now I need to get busy and work on my attitude in other areas.

My issues with my sister's husband are somewhat different than the situation with Shannon's dad.  My brother-in-law, who I love dearly, does not enjoy Christmas.  He actually hates it.  He comes with my sister on Christmas Eve and right after we eat dinner, he starts looking at his watch and making comments that it's almost time to leave.  We haven't even opened gifts yet and he's ready to pull her out the door.  They do leave here and drive to his parents' house which is about 90 minutes away but, come on, give us time to exchange gifts before you pull her away from the fun.

My sister was going to come by herself this year while he went on to his parents' home.  To be honest, I was elated!  I could have her here to enjoy the day and her time with the kids without having to listen to him start his whine about leaving at 6:36.  LOL  Then when she told me that he wanted to come, I was so disappointed.  She asked me if that was a problem and I explained how hard it was when he came for (1) her to relax and have fun and (2) how he checked his watch every two minutes to get her to leave early.    She agreed that it was a problem for her, too, so she talked to him.  She told him he was invited IF he could relax, have fun, and not look at his watch and make her leave before 9:30.  He responded by saying, "I don't know if I can do that."  (He's so honest!)  So he's deciding if he can behave.  LOL  If he can he will be here, if he can't she will come alone.

See, that's what I love about my brother-in-law so much.  He is so honest and up front about everything.  I can say something like that to him - as directly as that and he doesn't get all hurt and pissy about it.  He handles it and agrees that he's like that.  LOL  He's awesome.  He knows I love him to pieces and this is just one little thing that drives me nuts.  It's not a big deal between us because we are so open with each other.  He doesn't want to be uncomfortable either so he will probably decide to stay with his folks that night.

The next thing I want to deal with is my need to make everything perfect.  I get myself all tense and cranky because I think I have to make Christmas perfect for everyone.  When my kids were little I spoiled them by getting them just about everything on their lists.  I was wrong todo that.  If I had to do it over again, I would have given them a lot less.  There were no surprises.  They knew if it was on the list it was under the tree.  When I was a kid, there wasn't much under the tree on Christmas morning.  My parents had 4 kids and very little money.  I didn't understand why Santa was so cheap when it came to our house.  LOL

This year, I have made the decision to cut back on how much I spend on my grandchildren.  I have set a spending limit and it is killing me to stay within it.  I see things when I'm out and I am so tempted to buy, buy, buy.....  It is good for me to do this and to be OK with what I give them.   With the 4th one on the way, I just cannot continue to indulge them like I used to indulge them when there  were only 2.

It's complicated.  Part of my need to give so much is that I am compensating for what I didn't get.  The other part of it is  I never feel like I'm enough or that I do enough.  I am working to get over feeling like this.  It's a very uncomfortable place to be.  I hope by writing about it I can start to get over these feelings.  I would really like to get through the next 4 weeks feeling happy instead of being cranky and stressed out.

There is a new Journal Tournament starting.  Check out the link and if you're interested, register and play!

JOURNAL TOURNAMENT-A three task tournament between journalers, building community and friendly competition in J-Land.  The tournament is in an experimental phase...a one task 20 question Tournament Revolutionized.  If you sign up, you will be asked to complete those 20 questions by the appropriate deadline, and whoever has the most points, will be declared the winner!  It's a great way to get involved and see if you like the Journal Tournament without signing up for the full three tasks.  Everyone who has joined the past three tournaments has had a blast!  See what it's all about...http://journals.aol.com/love2sing2007/JournalTournament.  Now registering through November 30!

Our Day at Disneyland

It's a lot cooler today. In fact it was foggy and overcast this morning when I woke up.  Maybe the weather is changing and we will have a Fall after all.  I'm enjoying the day.  I did my grocery shopping and now I'm just relaxing.  My feet and knees are sore after walking at least 20 miles at Disneyland and California Adventure yesterday.

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.  Ours was spent dodging people and strollers.  The park opened at 8:00 in the morning; we got there at 10:00 and already the lines for the big rides were an hour long.  It was PACKED.  We went on the Jungle Ride first (as is our tradition) and then we checked out Pirates of the Caribbean.  The wait was 1 hr. 15 min.  so we went to Indiana Jones and the wait was 60 minutes.  Ahh, I don't think so.  We walked over to Frontier Land and got in line for the show at the Horseshoe Saloon which was a lot of fun.  I had never seen it before.  It was a four man bluegrass band and they put on a lively, fun show.  By the time that was over, we headed outside the park and over to Downtown Disney for lunch.  We found a quiet corner and had a nice lunch.  Then it was on to California Adventure.

What a relief!  California Adventure was busy but it was not over crowded.  We went on a simulated hang glider flight over the state of California.  WOW...it was great.  It makes you feel like you are soaring over the Golden Gate bridge and over many of the other beautiful parts of our state.  It was so well done and exhilerating.  We walked through the park and got to California Scream which is their roller coaster.  I don't like roller coasters so I shopped while Dennis went on that ride.  We met about 20 minutes later and continued our walk until we found It's a Bugs Life which is a 3D show based on the movie.  It is adorable!  They give you 3D glasses so the show comes alive with bugs, spiders, and butterflies right in front of your face.  The special effects are amazing!  It's a lot of fun and laughs. 

On our way out of California Adventure, we stopped in a little shop and bought a great statue of the 7 Dwarfs walking on a log on their way to work.  They are carrying their axes and all have the cutest expressions on their faces.  I've posted pictures of it above.  The last time we went for our Anniversary, we brought home a large statue of Thumper from the Bambi movie.  So we decided that we needed to continue the tradition and add the Dwarf statue this year.

We walked back to Disneyland in time to catch the Christmas Parade (they have 2 a day).  We watched the earliest one then went to take a ride on Mark Twain's Steamboat right at dusk.  That was awesome because all of the Christmas lights are just coming on and you get a beautiful view from the boat.

We went back to Adventureland to check out Space Mt. again but the wait was still an hour so we decided to call it a day.  We left the Magic Kingdom and drove home.  We tried to stop for dinner but the restaurant we wanted to eat at was closed so we decided to stop at the market and pick up a few things but it was closed SOOOO, we went home and I put a big salad together and we ate it while resting our tired feet.

It was very early to bed for both of us.  We were pooped!

American Music Awards

I looked for a color with glitter and glitz but couldn't find one.  LOL   Cari went to the American Music Awards last night as a seat filler.  Woohoohoo.  She had an amazing time.  This year she spent 80% of the evenng in the second row behind the Pussycat Dolls.  (I won't even pretend to know who they are but I guess to the hip crowd, they are hot.)

Before the show began, the seat fillers are in a holding area and because she and her friend were one of the first to arrive, they were at the front of the group and got to see all the Big Stars as they were escorted through the holding area to their seats.  She got to see the following personalities up close:

Beyonce, Carrie Underwood, Josh Groban, Jamie Foxx, Jay-Z, Flava Flave, Tyrese, Frankie J, Ashlee Simpson, Cheetah Girls, Pussycat Dolls, Christian Slater, Taylor Hicks, Clay Aiken, Katherine McPhee, Gwen Stefani, Brian McKnight, Chris Brown, JC Chasez (the N'Sync heart throb), Snoop Dogg, Carmen Electra, Ryan Seacrest, Fall out Boy, Paris Hilton, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Gavin Rossdale (Gwen Stefani's husband), Rascal Flatts, Mary J Blige, Nelly furtado, The Game (rapper), Jesse McCartney, Dixie Chicks, and William Shatner.  She also got to see Greys Anatomy stars, Justin Chambers who plays Dr. Carey, the actress who plays Addison, and Isaiah Washington who plays Dr. Burke.

So if you are star struck, you would have had a great evening.  She was especially thrilled to see JC Chasez of N'Sync.  She got to say hello to him and she said she was that 14 year old love sick teenager all over again.  She had such a crush on him back then.  She said that Jamie Foxx was especially nice and said hello to everyone and she said his performance was outstanding.

She was so amped up when she got home that her feet were barely touching the ground.  It was so much fun because the show was still on TV when she got back and she was able to point herself out on the screen a few times.  How strange to see her on TV and have her right there at the same time. 

She was able to score a program and a few seat labels for her collection.  Seat labels are tags with the stars name on them that are taped to chairs to show them where to sit.  After the show, she was able to take a few for her scrapbook.  I'll have to ask her whose she picked up.

Don't ask me who won any of the awards.  LOL   I don't have a clue.

35 Years Ago Today

Thirty five years ago today, Dennis and I were married.  I was 22 and he was 25 (turning 26 within 3 weeks).  I'll never forget my maternal grandmother saying, "I'm glad you waited until later in life to get married."  LMAO!!!  Later in life!!!  I was 22!!!  I will say that in 1971 a lot of my friends got married right out of high school.  Several girls even got engaged during their senior year in high school.  My gosh, I would have smacked Cari if she thought about getting engaged at 17 years old.  It just seems so young today. 

When I went downstairs this morning, there were beautiful flowers on the table along with a lovely anniversary card.  My husband thought ahead and went shopping yesterday.  I was so touched and a bit embarrassed because I hadn't been out to get his card yet.  I usually beat him to the punch.

Tonight we had dinner at a nice restaurant called Kings Fish House.  He had swordfish and I had filet mignon.  It was delicious.  After dinner we were going to see a movie but neither of us felt like sitting thru a 2 hour flick so we went to Kohl's and bought picture frames for the pictures I just had taken of the kids.  I found a beautiful sweater for my mother for Christmas.  I think she is going to love it. 

We are going to Disneyland on Thursday - Thanksgiving Day to complete our celebration.  We are really looking forward to spending the day in the Magic Kingdom and just being kids ourselves.  I hope the weather is a bit cooler than it has been the past few days.  It's been in the upper 80's - low 90's.  How are we supposed to get excited about the Holidays when it's this hot?

I'll be sure to take pictures on Thursday and I'll scan one of our wedding pictures to post over the weekend so you can see what babies we were.  

It was a very nice evening with my sweetheart.

Maybe there is hope for the media

Maybe the news media isn't as totally corrupt as I thought.  In this case, they came to their senses:

 

O. J. Book, TV Special Are Canceled

AP

NEW YORK (Nov. 20) - News Corp. says it has canceled publication of the O.J. Simpson book and television special "If I Did It."

In a two-part special scheduled for next week, Simpson discusses the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.

Fox quotes News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch as saying he decided that the project was "ill-considered."

Several Fox affiliates had chosen not to broadcast the special, in which Simpson talks in hypothetical terms about his role in the killings.

"Ill-considered"?  You've got to be kidding!  That's the biggest understatement I've ever heard.  At least they pulled back before this project went to print. 

Praising God for Prayers Answered

Shannon had an ultrasound this morning.  Baby is doing terrific.  The placenta has moved up and is in the exact place it should be for this point in the pregnancy!!!  We are thrilled and so thankful.   She won't be as restricted which will be a wonderful boost for her emotionally.  She is a real go-getter and trying to limit herself is very difficult.  

We can all make plans that we've been putting on hold just in case she had to go on bed rest.

Thank you, Lord!

Andrew's Birthday

Today was Andrew's birthday party.  Oh, my gosh!  I'm LOOPY from being around all those happy, noisy kids.  I think there were about 15 kids having the time of their lives running thru the house and backyard playing games and chasing each other.  They got to smash a Pinata and dive after the candy as it flew all over the patio.  We had a nice lunch and then Andrew opened his gifts.  He got a lot of nice clothes and all the toys he got had wheels.  LOL  Everyone knows his passion for cars and motorcycles.  He really liked his new tricycle.  Both of his grandpas took him outside for a test drive and he took to it pretty easily.

The best part of the day was watching him eat his cake.  He has us laughing so hard as he started picking at it with his fingers and then dove face first into his plate so his hands wouldn't be so sticky.  As you can see by the pictures, by the time he finished, he had cake all over his hands, face, clothes and up his nose.  LOL  What a cutie!

 

Saturday Night

I had a nice day!  Got up early and took care of business.  Had coffee at Sips with Cari when she went on break.  That's always nice.  From there I went to Trader Joe's to pick up salad dressing, a bag of slivered almonds which I toast for salads, a bag of frozen turkey meatballs, a jar of spaghetti sauce with basil, and some organically grown apples for my friend, Barbara.  I went into the drug store next door first and picked up wrapping paper so I can wrap Andrew's birthday gifts in the morning before we head off to his party.  While I was in the store,  I saw one of the clerks escorting a guy to the door and telling him, "..........and don't you ever come back."  I looked around and she had two  bottles of liquor in her hands.  He had tried stuffing them in his pants pockets and was planning on walking off with them.  She had a lot of guts to confront him.  It gave me the creeps.  I made sure he was long gone before I walked back to my car to put the things I bought in the car before walking to Trader Joe's.  I guess that kind of thing happens a lot but it's unusual for me to witness it.

I have some sad news about my Aunt Helen.  Most who have read my journal know that she has had a rough time this past year.  She is recovering from a broken hip and a series of other problems.  Well, she just found out she has stage 2 breast cancer on Friday.  Her doctor is optimistic about her chances for recovery but DARN ........  it just doesn't seem fair at all that she has to deal with another health issue right now.  She just had her 83rd birthday a week ago so I'm not sure what course of treatment she is going to take.  Nothing will be decided until she sees a surgeon.   The only people who know about this are my cousins (her daughters) and my sister and me.  Helen wants to wait to tell her siblings until she has all the information about surgery and treatment lined up.  I agree with that because my mom is a retired registered nurse and her youngest sister is a retired pharmacist and they will want to know all the technical stuff right off the bat.  It's hard, though, knowing this a not talking to my mother about it.

My grandmother, Helen and my Mom's mother, died of breast cancer in 1982 at the age of 89.  Her first diagnosis came 10 years earlier but she was treated with surgery and radiation and remained cancer free for 9 years.  When it came back, it was very aggressive and went into her lungs and was out of control before it was found. She died about 6 months after the diagnosis.  My doctor has always told  me that my risk of breast cancer is no greater because of my grandmother's cancer.  If my sister had breast cancer then I would be at greater risk.  So now, I worry about my mom and my Aunt Ruth.  Their risk just shot through the roof.  I know my mother has annual mammograms but I'm not sure about Ruth.  I would be surprised if she does not go.  She takes very good care of herself.   So, if any of you ladies who is over 40 and has never had a mammogram - GET ONE!  They are over in a flash and they will save your life.  The new ones are digitized and will show the slightest little bump and changes in the breast tissue. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammography  

If you are new to the subject of mammograms and want to know all about them.  Go to this site.  It will tell you everything you need to know.

Ok, that's the end of my public service message.

Tomorrow I will be posting pictures of the birthday party!  Should be great fun.  Shannon is planning a Sports Theme for all the little kids.  They are even having a Pinata.  Oh, Boy!!!

 

Dedicated to American and British Military Personel

My cousin sent this to me in an email today.  I thought it was so touching and I wanted to share it in my journal.  

 

A Different Christmas  Poem

The embers glowed  softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room  and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her  head on my chest,

My daughter beside me,  angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell,  a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard  to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in  the tree I believe,

Completed the magic  that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy,  my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded  by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment,  or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps  I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud,  and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes  when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps  just a cough, I didn't quite know,

Then the sure sound of  footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble,  I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door  just to see who was near.

Standing out in the  cold and the dark  of the night,

A lone figure stood,  his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled,  some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine,  huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he  looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me,  and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I  asked without fear,

"Come in this moment,  it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack,  brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home  on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I  saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and  the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that  danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he  said "Its really all right,

I'm out here by choice.  I'm hereevery night."

"It's my duty to stand  at the front of the line,

That separates you from  the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or  beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here  like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at  ' Pearl on a day  in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's  a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

 My dad stood his watch  in the jungles of ' Nam ',

And now it is my turn  and so, here I am.

 I've not seen my own  son in more than a while,

 But my wife sends me  pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he  carefully pulled from his bag,

 The red, white, and  blue... an American flag. (or the Union Jack)

"I can live through the  cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my  house and my home.

I can stand at my post  through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a  foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight  of killing another,

Or lay down my life  with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front  against any and all,

To ensure for all time  that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he  said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting  and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there  something I can do, at the least,

"Give you money," I  asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little  for all that you've done, For

being away from your  wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a  tear that held no regret, "

Just tell us you love  us, and never forget.

 To fight for our rights  back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own  watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home,  either standing or dead,

To know you remember we  fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and  with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you  as you mattered to us.

PLEASE,  Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as 

you  can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our  U.S.  

service  men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. 

 Let's  try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people  stop  and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.   Please, do your small part to plant this small  seed.

LCDR Jeff  Giles, SC, USN

   30th Naval  Construction Regiment

   OIC, Logistics  Cell One

   Al Taqqadum,  Iraq

   DSN: 302-362-6828

 

 

  

Frazzled Friday

I'm so happy!  The gardener is here and Miss Kasey is sitting beside me whimpering and giving a little whine but no barking.  I have been working with her for weeks and I think - maybe - it is starting to pay off.  She does pretty well when the lawn mower and hedge clippers are going but when he starts with the leaf blower she gets very upset and she wants to bark.  I have to hold her and calm her for a while and then I can take my hands off of her and she will stay.  There is still a lot of growling and noise but the barking is cut wayyyy back. I'm proud of her because I know how scared she is and how much she would like to get out and chew his ankles.  LOL 

The jewelry party was great!  Sylvia, her daughter Andrea, and her sister, Sharon all sell Cookie Lee jewelry so there was a huge selection to choose from.  I bought two necklaces and two pairs of ear rings.  It was great to see friends I haven't seen in a year and 2 I haven't seen in at least 3 or 4 years.  We had so much fun catching up and sharing pictures of our kids and grandchildren.  Lots of new grandchildren in the group.  I think between the 8 of us there are 20 grandkids to brag about.  Most of the hadn't seen me since I've lost all the weight so that was fun.  It was nice to get such positive feedback.

I have to get busy early this morning.  As soon as the gardener is gone, I'm going to get ready to go to Trader Joe's.  I want to pick up some of their great salad dressings that have only 35 calories for 2 tablespoons!  Delicious.  My favorite is a Greek style with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, feta cheese, red peppers, and all those wonderful spices.  It's great.  I also need to take a pair of pants to the tailor to be hemmed.  I found a pair of my favorite jeans on sale the other day.  I was amazed.  I've never seen this brand on sale before so I had to grab them.  They are the softest cords I have ever had in a yummy cocoa brown.  Now I need a top to go with them (of course). 

Oh, by the way, it's another beautiful day in Southern California.  I love this time of year. 

I cleaned my desk this morning.  Picked up all the piles, sorted them out, tossed the trash, stacked the catalogs, put the books away, filed the necessary documents, put all the CD's back in the rack, put everything that goes upstairs in a box, and cleaned the surface with 409 until it shines.  Ahhhh, it feels good and it will last about a day.  I'm a clutter bug when it comes to my desk.  It drives Dennis crazy.  I can take it until I can no longer tell that the top of the desk is white and my stacks start to topple.  Then it's time to do something.  Why do I wait until it's a disaster?  Heck, I don't know.  I love it when it looks like this but I guarantee you, by Sunday I'll have a mess again.  Oh, well, that's just me and this is the only place in the house that gets like that so I guess it should be OK.

That's all the joy I have to spread for now.  Until later.

 

 

 

Happy Talk

After yesterday's rant, I thought I should get back to my old positive, upbeat self.  It's a beautiful sunny day and everything is pretty much OK.  We had a bit of excitement about 20 minutes ago.  A stray dog jumped the back fence and let itself into Miss Kasey's territory.  OH NO!  Ohhh, she did not like that.  Thank goodness, Dennis was home and outside with her when it happened.  Our little Westie girl had the other dog, which was the size of a small German Shepherd,  cornered and shaking.  Luckily, it managed to jump up into the planter where our short legged mutt cannot go.  Dennis picked up Kasey and put her inside the house then returned to the yard to let the poor, trembling pup out.  I don't think we will have a return visit.  LOL  We don't know where the dog came from.  Neither of us had ever seen it before.  Hopefully, it will find it's way safely home.

Cari is home sick today.  She has a nasty head cold and cough.  She hasn't slept in two nights and it is taking a toll on her mood.  (Stand back!)  I went to the pharmacy and got her some cough medicine that I used the last time I was sick.  Hopefully it will work as well for her.  It's called Zicam Cough Mist.  It's  in a little spray bottle and you spritz a few blasts toward your throat before bed and it stops the coughing for hours.  I couldn't believe how well it works.  I've used the Zicam Alergy Nasal Gel for years and swear by it and now I use this stuff too.  I should write them and tell them I'm advertising for their company.  Maybe they'll send me some free samples.  LOL

I hope Cari feels a lot better by Saturday night.  She is going to be an extra in a movie being filmed at the football stadium at her university.  Next week, she will be a seat filler at the American Music Awards.  I know she will want to feel good for the special night.

Tonight, I'm going to my friend, Sylvia's house.  She sells Cookie Lee jewelry and has an open house this time of year so her friends can do a little Christmas shopping.  It's going to be great.  I will be seeing friends I haven't seen inover a year.  Boy are they going to be surprised when they see me!  Most of them don't even know I've been losing weight so the surprise is going to be awesome.  I have to go through my closet and find the outfit that makes me look very thin.  LOL -  I know that is so vain but, darn it, I think I deserve it. 

That's it for now.  More after the party.  Whoop  whoop whoop...  LOL

 

I had to Email AOL News

Copy of my email to AOL news: 

Re: OJ Simpson Story

I wish you'd take that scum bag's face off the welcome screen.  He makes me sick to my stomach.    I have to click off the Welcome screen the second I log on so I don't have to see that f.....'n smirk.  I really can't believe you are giving that animal this much attention.

 

 

Kathy Jauert

KaydeeJay5449

In My Opinion

In my opinion, there are certain news stories that do not deserve front page attention.  There is one on AOL today that flashes each time I log on with a picture of one of the most disgusting people on the face of this earth who is about to do something that is so sick and evil that I cannot believe it is getting the attention it is.  I have to click off the welcome screen so I'm not subjected to his face.  The evil animal I am writing about is OJ Simpson.  I am not going to dignify his twisted plans by even writing about it here.  If you haven't heard, you can read about it. 

 I guess I should not be surprised that AOL would cover such a story.  Their news has slipped into the same bracket as the National Inquirer lately.  They are covering more celebrity trash than ever before and the site, TMZ.com, that AOL takes you to when you click on a news story about a well known person is usually just gossip and garbage.

I used to think that AOL was pretty good at covering news and current events but the longer I'm a member the more I realize they replay the same articles over and over, their news coverage is word-for-word what I read in the newspaper, and there is nothing fresh or innovative about it at all.

It's time for me to use this as a means to get to my journal and correspond with my friends and family, to do some shopping from time to time and that's about it.  I'll get my news, information, and other important stuff from other sources.

A Quiz - Getting to Know Me

I don't have anything to write about.  When I was reading journals tonight, I found the following quiz and decided to fill it out and post it. 

I got this from:  http://journals.aol.com/mastersblynn/ConfessionsOfAnAngelWaitress/

I Live:  In the hills overlooking Riverside, California

I Work:  At being a more adventurous person

I Talk:   To my friends less than I would like to

I Wish:   I could travel more often.

I Enjoy:  Sewing, reading, posting in my journal, being with my

               family - especially my grandchildren.

I Look:   For good deals on things I buy all the time.
 

I Find:   Loose change in the wash machine all the time.

I Smell: Baby shampoo whenever I kiss my grandson's head.
 

I Listen: To my intuition.
 

I Hide:   My insecurities and fears.

I Pray:    Twice a day for everyone on my prayer list.

I Walk:   A lot more than I used to.

I Write:  Short stories and journal entries.

I See:     The positive side of people

I Sing:    Along with songs on the radio when I'm in the car.

I Laugh:  Often.

I Can:      Do anything I decide to do.

I Watch:  People.  In airports, restaurants, public places...

I Yearn:   To travel to Europe

I Daydream:  Winning the lottery and sharing the money with

                       people I love.

I Fall:            When I slip on a wet floor

I Want:     To live to see my grandchildren grow up and get   

                  married.

I Cry:       At sad movies and when I see someone else cry.

I Burn:     I burn if I stay out in the sun for more than half hour.

I Read:     A book a month or more.

I Love:      My family, friends, and my dog.

I Rode:     A train from Colorado to California when I was 5.

I Sometimes:  Procrastinate

I Hurt:      My left shoulder working out at the gym.

I Fear:      Heights

I Hope:     I reach my weight loss goal this year

I Break:    drinking glasses all the time.

I Eat:        A healthy diet

I Bathe:    At least once a day

I Drink:    too much diet soda
 

I Stop:     Myself from being critical of others  

I Save:     Pictures for my scrap books

I Hug:      My family and friends

I Meditate:  When I'm tense and before I go to sleep

I Play:      Scrabble in a scrabble club

I Miss:     Family members who have passed away.

I Hold:    A big secret.

I Forgive:  Because if I don't it hurts me more than it hurts

                  the person I don't forgive.

I Drive:  More conservatively than I used to

I Learned:  That I need to take care of myself and get

                    healthy

I Dream:   But I don't remember very much of what I dream.

I Have:     A lot of responsibility.

I Don't:    Have to worry about what anyone else thinks about

                 me.

I Made:    A quilt for my friend, Sylvia.

I Believe:  That Jesus is my Lord and Savior

I Wait:     for the light to turn green before I go.

I Need:    More fun.

I Owe:     A debt of gratitude to my doctor.

I Hate:    Mean spirited people and those who are mean to

                children.

I Feel:    Happy most of the time.

I Know:  God loves me.

I Wonder:  If my parents will remain healthy this year.

I Applaud:   All our service men and women and the good

                    teachers who educate our kids.

I Love:      God, my family, my friends, my life, and of course, 

                  my dog. 

                      

 

Monday Morning Question

monday morning question...

           

Cats:  Rule or drool?

Lobster:  Eat or no treat?

Ties:  Wear or nowhere?

Escargot:  Slime or sublime?

Cats are cool but doggies rule

Lobsters are good too look at but not to eat

Ties make a man look dignified and handsome

Escargot is for adventurous diners and not for me..... ewwwww

Birthday Bike for Andrew

I just got back from Toys R Us.  I picked up Andrew's new tricycle.  We are giving this to him for his 2nd birthday.  It's so cool!  He can learn to peddle and Dad and Mom don't have to break their backs leaning over him while he learns.  They just push it with the push bar.  When they are out, if he gets tired of peddling, they can push him.  The canope comes off.  The little yellow thing in back holds a few toys or whatever he wants to put in there.  It has a little bell on the handle bars.  And for mom, a drink holder in the tray under the push handle.  They think of everything these days!  I hope he enjoys it!

Pictures Are Here

I got the Proof Book with all of the pictures taken at Andrew's 2 year picture shoot.  I've posted a few that I scanned last night.   I'm taking the book down to Bryan and Shannon's tomorrow so they can pick out a pose for the 11 x 14 that we are giving them for Christmas.  It will be a black and white and then hand tinted like the ones I had done of Megan and Nathan when they were two.  It's going to be a tough decision because there are several really good pictures of Andrew that would be great as his portrait.  I'll post the one the choose later this week.

I'm going to get 3  4 x 6's (1 of each child) for a frame I bought for my parents for Christmas.  I'll get a 5 x 7 of each of them for my collection and I'll let my sister pick out what she wants, too.  I'm getting a free 8 x 10 and I think I'll let Bryan and Shannon pick out one of the pictures with all three kids together and give that to them as well.

This afternoon, we are going to the 80th Birthday Celebration for Dennis' mentor and first boss, Milt Lockett.  Dennis started working for Milt when he was in college and stayed working in his office for 9 years before going out on his own.  We have to give this man credit for helping us achieve the life we have today.  Milt inspired Dennis to open his own office when he decided to partially retire.  At that time, he turned over about 30% of his regular business to Dennis which gave him a HUGE start.  It enabled me to quit my job and stay home with Bryan and then with Cari when she was born a few years later. 

When we were first married and really struggling financially, every once in a while, Milt would give Dennis an envelope with $50 in it and tell him, "Take Kathy out to dinner."  He was always so thoughtful and kind to both of us.  More like a Dad than a boss.

We are really looking forward to seeing him today and paying tribute to such a great guy!  Happy Birthday, Milt!

 

CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA

For you folks who live in parts of the world where it gets FREEZING cold, here is a great idea for a Christmas gift for your kids: Portable Ice Rink

Posted Nov 1st 2006 6:06PM by Nicole Weston
Filed under: Sports

What child wouldn't love to have an ice skating rink in the back yard? Hammacher Schlemmer has a 37-foot portable ice rink that can be set up anywhere and is perfect for practicing for winter sports or just skating for fun. The frame keeps the water in the rink even if the temperatures get too high to sustain the ice, ensuring it will be ready to go whenever the weather gets cold, and the rigid PVC at the bottom protects the rink from skate damage if the ice gets too thin.

If only I had had one of these to put in the yard growing up! Actually, it wouldn't have helped me to become a more accomplished figure skater because, portable though it is, it still needs to be below freezing to properly form the 2.5-inch thick ice layer and that is something you can't necessarily count on in most of California. Price: $700.

I would have loved this but I grew up on Southern California and it just wouldn't have worked here.

Unfinished Project

I attached a few pictures of the tile in my bathroom.  The installer is coming back tomorrow to remove the blue tape and to apply the sealer.  Once the sealer goes on, the white spots will blend in with the background and won't stand out.  I'm really happy with it.  It's a natural stone so we will have to seal it once a year which isn't a big deal.

Dennis is going to repaint the bathroom a few shades darker than it is right now and then he will paint the cabinets an even darker shade of tan.  It's too bland now with everything being so close in color.  Isn't that the way it goes?  You do one thing and then you have to do a few others because it changes everything.

The 3 framed pictures are water color paintings by Bernice.  I guess I would call her my mother-in-law.  She's Dennis's step-dad's widow.  Anyway, I love her to pieces and I'm so proud of the art work she does.  She painted these three pieces especially for us.  We saw the Magnolia at an art show and loved it so she did two others on the black background to go with it.  How lucky are we? 

The painting of the 3 trees is the new piece we bought for the entry.  I'm not so crazy about the content but I do like the colors and the composition.  It ties all of the colors in the living room and dining room together.  LOL  I think the trees look like they have legs instead of trunks.  I guess I should not be so critical.  It's far better than anything I could paint.

This is a preview of what we are doing.  I have no idea when the whole project will be completed.  Maybe January - maybe never.  Who knows? I'm just having fun in the meantime.

Headline News!!!!

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE RUMSFELD STEPPING DOWN

Now if Bush would just join him..................  LOL

Anyone Have A Recipe for Crow? LOL

I guess I'm not a very good predictor.  The Democrats have gained control of the House.  My, my, my....    The new speaker is a woman, Nancy Pelosi...  she likes to spend and has a long list of programs that are in the wings just waiting for funding.  It's going to be very interesting to see what happens. 

One of the scare tactics used to try to get folks not to vote for Democrats was a warning about Rep. Pelosi's agenda for social programs would cost a lot of money and that she wants to reverse the tax cuts that the Bush administration instituted.  How much of this is true?  Who knows? 

So, since I went out on that limb and I was wrong, I will eat crow if anyone has a good, low calorie, low-fat, low carb recipe.  LOL

 

I Voted

I did my Patriotic Duty today and voted.  I don't think I've missed a major election since I was old enough to vote.  There have been local school board elections where I didn't vote because my daughter went to private school and I didn't know anyone running or what the issues were.

My first presidental election was in 1972 when Nixon ran against McGovern.  At that time, it was the biggest upset in voting history.  Senator McGovern was supported by the liberal Get-Out-Of-Vietnam faction.  The Republican party managed to paint him as a radical liberal and he never overcame that label and he went down to a huge defeat.

I'm interested to see how the results come in across the country.  The press has been predicting that the Democrats are going to win control of the Congress because Americans are upset with the Republican administration and the Iraqi war.  I am going to go out on a limb and bet that the Republicans stay in control.  I think the Democrats will add a few new members but they won't get the majority as predicted.  I think the majority of people are afraid of change.  I think most of the incumbants will be re-elected.  I will have to check the paper in the morning to see if my predictions are right.

I'm equally upset with both sides.  I didn't vote for either incumbant running for the senate or congress.  LOL  I didn't care what party they belong to, I voted for the other one.  If I had my way, every one of them would get their walking papers and we'd start with a fresh bunch that has no ties to the lobbiests and special interests that own those that are there now.  Ahh, enough politics.  I bet we're all sick of it tonight.

Oh, goodie! I Can Open My Journal....

I tried to open my journal yesterday but I got a page that said I was using an incorrect screen name and it asked for a password.  I entered every password I've ever used and it still wouldn't open so I gave up and came back this morning.  Presto-dingo,  it opened like usual. 

Today is Election Day here. I am so glad that the big day is here and that we will no longer have to listen to the misleading ads on TV and radio trying to convince us to vote one way or another on the issues or to vote for one person over another .  I don't listen to any of those ads and everything that comes in the mail goes in the junk mail pile.  I do my own research and make up my own mind by reading the material checking some non-biased information.  It is so sad that we cannot believe anything the ads tell us.   They all slant the truth so much that it no longer is the truth. 

I don't have anything else to say right now but I may come back later and add to this.

Oh, just a quick reminder:  If you want to exchange Christmas Cards, send me an email with your name and address and I will send you mine. 

Success

I had a successful shopping trip this morning.  First I took Dennis' car to the car wash and then I went to WalMart.  They had really nice Christmas cards for $5 a box.  What a savings!  I had to go to the post office so I bought my Christmas stamps while I was there.  They have some pretty snowflake stamps this year so I chose those. 

If anyone wants to exchange Christmas cards, send me an email with your address and I'll send you mine.  That would be fun.  For those in the UK I'll need to get yours in the mail early so it reaches you in time for the holiday.

It's hard to think about Christmas when it's 92 degrees outside.  How are we supposed to start getting in the Holiday spirit when it feels like we should be heading to the beach?

The tile guy is here.  The job will be finished tomorrow.  I haven't been upstairs to see his progress.  I'll wait until he goes home to take a look.  Dennis has been up there twice and he's pleased with the workmanship.  If he's happy, I know I will be happy, too.

There's another brush fire today.  This one is due north of here.  When I was out I could smell the smoke.  From news reports it does not seem that this one is nearly as bad as the last one.  Let's hope not! 

Well, that's about it for now.  A quiet day in Southern California.  More soon.

 

Sunday - November 5

Dennis spent the morning upstairs removing base boards, pulling up carpet, and getting the master bathroom ready for the tile installer to come tomorrow.  Woooo, I can't wait!  We are having 16" Travertine tile set.  It's going to be so nice to have that carpet out of there.  I have regretted having carpet since we moved in this house.  The toilet compartment has tile but the largest area with the vanity, tub and shower is carpeted. 

We have to take out clothes for 2 days and our shampoo, towels, etc. because we won't be able to walk on the tile until it is completely set and the grout is done.  The whole job should be done by Wednesday.  Thank goodness we have two other showers.

After the tile is done, we will buy new carpeting.  Hopefully we will have that done before Christmas.  We are going to replace the carpet in our walk-in closet, our bedroom, the guest room and Cari's room.  Then all the carpet in the house will have been replaced within the past 2 years and we'll be set for a while.

I'll be posting pictures when the job is done.  I hope to make Martha Stewart envious.   LOL

We had a great birthday celebration for Bryan.  Our plans changed a little so I got out of buying cake and ice cream.  They came around 3:00 in the afternoon and visited before dinner.  We gave him his gifts and went to dinner at 5:00.  We went to a restaurant called BJ's (his initials) and had an hour wait for a table.  We were able to wait outside so the kids could run and play.  Once seated, we had a great waiter.  I think it helped that he and Sam knew each other from high school.  He gave us great service and he got a great tip in return.  The only bad thing was the place plays the music so loud that you must yell to be heard.  The noise level in the place was unbearable.  There was a small blessing to that, though, no one could hear Andrew's fussing about having to sit still above all the noise.  LOL

It was a clear, hot day here.  It got up into the low 90's.  From the top of the hill, you could see forever!  Awesome.  I got my grocery shopping done and a few loads of laundry.  I sat down and made my Christmas Card list and started to draft my annual Christmas newsletter.  I made a month-to-month outline of all that happened this year and I'm going to have to do some serious editing to fit it into a one page letter.  I don't believe in sending long, detailed letters that cause yawns and people to dread opening them -- just the highlights and a few pictures.  I refuse to be one of those who brags about every little thing and who goes on and on about how wonderful the family is and how the world is such a better place because they are in it.  LOL 

I looked at Christmas cards last night at one of the stores.  They averaged $14.99 for a box of 16 cards.  With my list, that would  be around $120 for cards and postage.  I'm going to have to find less expensive cards and cut that total way down.  I'm going to go out and look again tomorrow.  I think WalMart had some nice cards last year for a lot less than $15 a box.  I don't care if folks think "I Don't Care Enough To Send The Very Best".  

Our kids have abandoned us for Thanksgiving.  As soon as they found out my parents weren't coming, they all made other plans.  In a way, that gets me off the hook.  No big dinner to cook, no mess to clean up, and no left overs to worry about.  But on the other hand, it hurt my feelings that they didn't even ask if our plans changed because mom and dad weren't coming.  They just dumped us like hot potatoes.  I'm going to deal with them about this and let them know how I feel but the deal for dinner is no longer an option.  Dennis and I are going to Disneyland.  Screw 'em.   (I know that was blunt but sometimes I just have to be blunt.  No apologies there.) We are excited about it and plan on having a great time.

I feel better now. 

And That's Enough of That

I'm happy to have shared my journey in the past few entries but I am just as happy that I've written them and I'm done with them. 

Today I'll be going out to get cake and ice cream so after dinner we can all come back here for dessert.  I'm really looking forward to having Bryan, Shannon and the kids here.  Cari and Sam are joining us, too.  Sam has been in Colorado for a week so we are excited he's home.  We missed him.

New flooring is being installed in the master bathroom on Monday.  I am so excited about that!  We have had the tile for a long time but we are just getting around to having the job done.  After the first of the year, we will get new carpet, too.  We like to pay as we go so it takes a while to get it all together. It feel so good to get some things done around here.

If I'm going to stay on target as far as time goes, I need to sign off and get busy. 

More soon!

So What Changed?

Right after I graduated from high school, my mother began having a problem swallowing.  Her throat would close up and she would feel like she was going to choke.  This would cause her to panic, of course, and she would take a valium.  After this went on for a few months, she realized she was addicted to the valium and she quit taking it.  As soon as she did, the swallowing and choking problem came back.

 

She saw a throat specialist who performed some tests.  His conclusion was it was psychosomatic and he recommended she seek professional counseling.  This shook her to the core but she followed his advise and began seeing a therapist.  What she found through therapy was that she had been so repressed as a child and in her marriage that she was literally strangling on her repressed emotions.  The anger and rage she had been suppressing all those years was trying to get out and her throat was closing up to keep it in.

 

My Dad's anger and controlling behavior had pushed her into a corner and she couldn't be pushed any further.  It was time for her to fight back.  (The Theme from Rocky begins to play in the background.....  LOL).  The lid was about to blow off the kettle and everything was going to change. 

 

Within 6 months she had pretty much kicked my Dad's ass out of the house.  (GO MOM!).

He was, of course, devastated and thought she didn't really know what she wanted.  When he talked to me about it, I don't know where I got the courage to tell him, "Yes, Dad, she does know what she wants.  She wants to be treated with respect."

 

Well, he never did move out but he got his butt into counseling too.  He learned that he was a selfish bastard, mean and angry and that he needed to ease up and be nicer.  He also found out he should have told his kids at least once or twice in their lives that he loved them. 

 

What a shock it was the first time he told us he loved us.  We all looked at him with this blank stare.... "Who are you and what have you done with our Dad?"  I know I thought, "Yeah, right."  I was 19 years old and hearing this for the first time.  Why the hell should I believe it.  He had to show me through his actions that he was changing and that he was sincere.

 

Over the next year, I went into therapy, too.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.  I found out that I was depressed.  LOL   I thought everyone felt the way I did.  I never knew I was depressed.  I found out I couldn't identify any of my feelings.  I had never allowed myself to experience any of the positive emotions like joy, love, desire, lust, etc.  because I was so fearful of rejection and I was locked in this deep depression.  (I feel so sad when I look back at this moment in time.  I wish there had been drugs like Zoloft or Lexapro. What a difference they could have made in my life.  I spent years and years battling a depression that is chemically based.  I blamed myself for it.  I thought I just hadn't worked hard enough at my therapy to get rid of it.  It seemed that I was just doomed to have an underlying depression my entire life until I found this medication about 5 years ago.)  It took about 2 1/2 years of therapy for me to break out of that shell that kept me locked within myself.  I was liberated.

 

Of course, emotional growth is an ongoing process. We never 'GET THERE' .  We live and learn.  We age and as we do, our views change, our needs change, and we continue to grow.  Life is never boring.  Something new is always just around the corner.

 

As the years have moved on, my relationship with my parents has become very close and loving.  All is forgiven and it is really difficult for me to go back and write about the past.  I don't go back there very often because I feel it's been resolved and I enjoy NOW so much that it seems a waste of energy to dwell on something that happened so long ago and something that can't be changed anyway.

 

My Dad has been sober for over 25 years.  It's kind of strange because his drinking was never addressed in therapy.  It was THE problem and yet it was never talked about.  That still amazes me.  Well, anyway, he just woke up one morning hung over and feeling like hell.  He said to himself, "I'm a damned fool to pay to feel like this," and he's never had another drink.

 

He apologizes almost every time we see him (we, meaning his kids) about being such a lousy Dad when we were growing up.  I just hug him and tell him that it's how he is now that matters and I know he loves me.  I tell him I forgave him a long time ago and it would be really nice if he would just forgive himself.

 

So, there has been a lot of healing within our family. Good things have come out of a lot of pain.  But, as happens, I have carried forward some emotional baggage that even therapy didn't cure.  My need to feel needed.  My fear of rejection.  My fear of asking for what I need and want within the relationship.  My fear of speaking up for myself.  All of that has kept me fat and stuck.  It's just now, at 57 years old, that I am finally putting it together and realizing that all of these things have to flow together to get healthy and stay that way. 

 

This is my journey.  This is my challenge.  This is my life.  I'm taking one day at a time and doing the very best I can with it.  Making good choices.  Taking full responsibility for those choices.  Not making excuses for anything.  Standing up for myself when it's important and, the hard part, starting to trust again.