My 1 Year Anniversary

I started my weight loss program one year ago today.  I've posted two pictures.  the first one was taken about a month before I started the program.  The second was taken about a half hour ago.  I've lost about 84 pounds and gained good health, self-confidence and self-respect.  I'm about 22 pounds away from my goal weight.  I will be honest and say that I am a disappointed that I'm not at goal tonight.  I thought I would be.  I am not letting it get in the way of embracing my accomplishment.  The rest of the weight will come off and I'm not going to put any pressure on myself about when.  It doesn't really matter, does it, as long as I am eating the right things and taking care of myself on a daily basis.  If I'm doing the work and following my plan, I will get there. 

When I made the decision to do this I made a promise to myself and to God to do it right this time.  I had tried EVERYTHING to lose the weight in the past and had failed every time.  In the past, I hadn't made the commitment to tackle the job of dealing with the problem on the physical, emotional AND spiritual levels.  I always thought if I lost the weight everything would be OK.  The truth is, when you lose weight, you still have the same problems and issues and if you don't deal with them you are going to gain the weight back.  Often when a person goes from fat to thin, they are forced to deal with a new set of problems on top of the ones they have been avoiding.  Issues of self-confidence, pride, sexuality, how we relate to others, how they relate to us, and a huge list of others must be laid out, looked at, and dealt with. 

For me, I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself to 'disappear' into my marriage.  In the 35 years I've been married, I totally became his wife and their mother.  I lost my own identity and my own list of wants, wishes and desires.  I sacrificed everything for my family.  If you asked me what  I wanted in almost any situation I couldn't come up with an answer.  If I had money to spend I spent it on the kids.  If I had time to plan an event, I'd plan to do something that I knew everyone else would enjoy.  If there was a decision to make, I deferred to him if there was a conflict.  I would give inrather than cause any friction and then feel like, 'oh poor me'.  I became angry and resentful at him when it is really MY problem.  I have a backbone and a voice and I have just started to use my personal  power to stand up for myself and to get what I need. 

It's exciting and awesome and wonderful.  It's scary and sometimes it makes me feel like a bitch and I get guilty and I want to back down.  When I feel like that, I re-examine my position and ask myself, "On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most important) how important is it for me to make a stand."  If it's not really all that important and I'm just being stubborn, then I can give in. BUT if it's a 7.5 - 10, I am standing my ground.  I am amazed at how much more respect I am being shown by everyone in my family.  It's wild!!!  They aren't taking me for granted nearly as much and when they do, I calmly and lovingly (most of the time, lol) remind them.

Not long ago, Dennis shook his head and said, "I don't know if I like all these changes.  I don't feel like I can do anything right."

I assured him that he does a lot of things right but that I can no longer sit back and allow some of these patterns to continue.  I explained to him that I ate to push down all the frustration and anger I was feeling because I felt so powerless in the relationship and in my life.   If I'm going to finish this and get to my goal and if I'm going to keep this weight off, I have to change.  I have to set boundaries and I have to speak up.  I'm not going to live like this anymore.  It's because I love him that I'm doing this.  If I don't change, all the love I have for him is going to go away.  It's going to be eaten up by resentment and I do not want that to happen.  It's a miracle that I can say 'I love him'.  A year ago I didn't know if I had any feelings left for him.  I felt so isolated and alone.  I can see some light and hope and that alone keeps me moving forward.

I didn't intend to get into all of this and to make it so personal but I guess all of this needed to be said.  I'm going to post it before I decide to delete it.