This and That

It's hot today but not as hot as predicted.  It's 93 which is about 9 degrees cooler than expected.  If the weather man is right we could see 104 degrees before the week is out. 

I was listening to talk radio while running errands this morning, the host was taking calls from people complaining about their electric bills doubling from last year.  The host was giving tips about conserving electricity and on rebates the power companies are offering if you get an energy efficient air conditioner, refrigerator, or heater.  If you install dual pane windows you can qualify for a rebate.  We changed our windows a year ago and it has helped keep the house warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer.  The new homes being built around here are required to install the dual pane windows and energy efficient appliances.  I am not looking forward to our electric bill for this month.  It is going to be a choker. 

My doctor's appointment in SLO went well.  My blood work came back great.  I didn't lose much weight this time but I'm not upset about it.  With all the stress and things going on around here in the past few months it's amazing that I didn't fall back into my old pattern of using food to comfort and calm myself.  Dr. N told me that stress can really get in the way of weight loss and he gave me some new strategies for the next two months.  I know the water aerobics class is going to really help.  The exercise is great and I think it will give me an emotional as well as physical boost.  I haven't been drinking as much water as I had been so I am making an effort to drink my 5 pints a day.  It seems like a lot at first but I remember when I was drinking that much before I actually wanted that much water.

When Carol and I had our alone time while I was in Cambria, we spent a lot of time talking about how both of us have spent a great deal of time and effort working through the issues that have made us fat.  We went on the program about 4 weeks apart and have been talking a lot about the feelings and behaviors that are behind the over eating and using food as a sedative.  It's not all about taking off the pounds.  If the underlying causes aren't addressed, those pounds are not going to stay off.  I made a commitment in the very beginning to do it right this time.  To me, that means attack this from every angle.  I am seeing a doctor.  I am eating the right foods.  I am taking the vitamins and minerals he has told me to take.  I am exercising.  And, I am dealing with my feelings in a healthier way.

The myths I am overcoming are:  I always thought if I treated people the way I wanted to be treated that eventually they would get the hint and fall in line and start treating me equally.  I thought that everyone else's needs were more important than mine and if I put myself first, ever, I was being selfish.  I thought if I disagreed with someone I should just keep it to myself and let it go.  Don't create any conflict...there's enough conflict in this world without me creating more.  Don't even bother asking for what I need or want because it doesn't matter - I won't get it anyway.  Oh, there are so many more but these are the major ones that I am overcoming. 

You see each time I used to make someone else's needs more important than mine (and I'm not talking about the day to day things like if your kid needs to eat and you need to go see a movie), instead of confronting it, I would shove those feelings down with food.  Stuff it down.  When I would get to the end of the day and realize my husband and kids were going to bed with all of their needs met for that day and I hadn't had so much as a 'thank you' or a 'can I help you' I would eat over that.  I felt like I was running around every day making sure all of their needs were being met and yet never once did they look over their shoulder and think, "I wonder what Kathy/Mom needs today."  The resentment began to built and I piled on more pounds. 

As a kid, my needs were never addressed.  There wasn't any money to provide more than the absolute bare necessities and if I ever said I wish I had more clothes or new shoes my dad would respond in anger and my mom just wouldn't hear it.  So, I was trained from early on to think that my needs were foolish, unreasonable, and I should be ashamed to have them.  I don't blame my parents anymore.  We have come a long way in our relationship and those hurts have all been addressed.  Yet, there are still scars on the little girl who still lives inside of me that effect how I operate in the adult world.  I carried over into my adult life and marriage the feelings of being inadequate and unworthy.  I was a victim. 

Now, I realize that I'm not a victim at all.  Each day I have a choice about how I am going to relate in this world.  I have the power and the ability to get my needs met and I also have the responsibility of making sure I take care of myself in a way where I feel whole and satisfied at the end of the day instead of depleted and empty.  It is a process that is going to take time and one which I probably will never complete.  It doesn't matter if I ever get it 100% right as long as I continue on the journey and I am going in a positive direction.

I remember one afternoon when the whole family was together and I informed them all, "Things are going to change around here.  I'm not going to be your door mat.  You are going to treat me the way I treat you."

They all looked pretty stunned.  "What do you mean by that?" my son, Bryan asked.

"Simply, I want to be treated the way I treat you.  Lovingly, thoughtfully, and kindly.  I want you to stop and think once in awhile, 'I wonder what Mom would like.' and then I want you to follow through and see that it's done."  My tone was kind and sincere.

"Oh."  He grinned and shook his head.  "OK, I think I can do that."

Since November 1, 2005, I have had to do some gentle reminding.  LOL  But the biggest thing has been, my family as seen me take such good care of myself and has seen me respecting myself enough to work my program and stick with it this long, they have naturally begun to show me more respect and love because I am giving that to myself and I'm open to receive it from them.  When conflict arises, I'm not backing down unless I know it's the right thing to do instead of just giving up because it's too hard to stand up for myself any longer.  (LOL, that sounds like we have huge battles...  we don't but there are some times when things come up where we have opposite views and I make my feelings known, now.)

I guess that's enough for now.  I just wanted to get that written down and out of my head. 

Until later.............................ô..ô