I haven't written much lately. I've been withdrawn and quiet and feeling like I have my own personal black cloud hanging over my head. Since my dad's death and the chance that my son and his family may move away, I've been dealing with a double dose of loss. Intellectually I can deal with it all but my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head.
My 40th class reunion is coming up in early August. Besides being in SHOCK that I'm old enough to have graduated 40 years ago, getting reminders in the mail and checking the web site has has been fun but it has also brought back a lot of the crappy memories, too. High school was so difficult for me. I was a great student, always on the honor roll, but socially I was a misfit to say the least. I was depressed and had a social anxiety disorder that kept me pretty locked up inside myself. It wasn't unusual for me to sit next to someone the entire school year and never even speak to them. Miss Friendly ~ I was NOT. LOL I think I had a total of six friends and luckily for me they were wonderful girls who really stood by me and nurtured me. I thank God for them to this day. Thinking about how I felt back then has contributed to this funky feeling I'm sure.
Feelings of sadness, loss, loneliness and powerlessness have made me depressed. Depression is nothing new to me. I have had clinical depression (lack of seratonin (sp) in my brain) since I was around 10 or 11 years old. Unfortunately, I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40's. I went on Zoloft and then on Lexapro and my depression has been managed with medication since. I saw my doctor on Monday. We talked about how I was feeling and he increased my medication a little to see if it helps bring me out of this funk and levels me out again.
When I got up this morning, I swear I feel better already. I don't think the increase in medication can be working that fast. Maybe it's psychological ~ I'm doing something to feel better, so I do. I don't care what it is, I'm just really glad I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face again.
I like living my life depression free and feeling 'normal'. When that old black cloud starts hanging around above my head all of my insecurities and self-doubt comes back to haunt me. It's so oppressive. So while I wait for the meds to really kick in, I'm going to do my best to put one foot in front of the other and make the best of my day.
Hmmmm, I just thought of an analogy: When the depression lifts it's like taking off a heavy coat and feeling the cool air around you. It's like freedom.
Any hoot, that's where I am in this journey today.
Den and I are going camping with Bryan, Shannon and the kids. They left today and we are leaving tomorrow. We are going up in the Sierra Mountains where it supposed to be in the upper 60's during the day with scattered thunder storms and around 42 degrees at night. We're taking our warm clothes and jackets. We hope to do some fishing and lots of relaxing. I know we won't be sleeping in. We are sharing a trailer with them and the kids get up at 6:00 in the morning. I told Dennis we will probably have 3 little bodies in bed with us every morning. Lots of giggles and tickles. Sounds fun to me. We'll be back Sunday.
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