Where Were My Parents?

Things have changed so much in the way we parent our kids.  It's better and yet it's not.  We are totally THERE for our kids these days.  That's great as long as we are also making them responsible for their behavior and accountable.  So many in my generation haven't done a very good job of getting the kids ready to face the real world.  We raised them to think they were special and the rules could be bent for them. 

 

I was a very involved parent who wanted to know what was going on with my kids all the time - to a fault sometimes.  If I thought they were hurting or upset I wanted to know what was going on.  "Talk to me about it!"  Well, sometimes they would and other times, they would just want to be left alone to work it out themselves.  I was overly sensitive to their feelings, needs and concerns..... WHY?  Because my parents were oblivious to anything I needed, felt or wanted.  This is not an exaggeration. 

 

 My Dad worked nights.  He was asleep when we left for school and at work when we got home.  He was home on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday until about 3 p.m.  When he was home, he was taking care of things that needed to be done around the house or watching TV.  We did have meals together, I will give them that.  That was an important time and I remember all of us around the table.  My dad was also a closet alcoholic.  We never actually saw him drink because he hid his booze in the garage.  He would go out there and drink and then come back in the house.  As soon as the liquor took effect, he became angry and argumentative.  It was really scary because I never saw it coming.  I didn't know until I was around 16 why he acted like that so I thought I must be a horrible child to cause him to be so pissed off all the time.  I hid out in my bedroom on weekends to avoid as much contact with him as possible.

 

My Mom was around.  I know this because I saw her.  I do not remember her interacting with us very much at all.  I remember her cooking our meals.  My sister says she sat out on the patio and read most of the time.  She did the laundry because my sister and I had to hang the clothes outside as we didn't have a dryer in those days.  She did the bare minimum in child care.  There were four of us so I imagine it was pretty overwhelming at times.  There was no  money and only one car so she was stuck at home.  My Dad was controlling so she didn't dare have a life of her own.  (Is it any wonder I disappeared into my marriage?)  I recall her washing our hair in the big sink out in the garage.  It was easier on her back because it was up higher.  We'd line up with our towels.  She would shampoo us and the water would be nearly black.  How long had it been since we'd had our hair washed?  I can't recall how long it was between washings but my gosh, to have the water run black it must have been a long time.  

 

My Dad was on a bowling team that got together once a week.  He went fishing.  He had money for booze.  I had two outfits and my sister wore a pair of shoes held together with duct tape.  My mom never got to do anything.  There was money for the boys to play baseball and for one to take guitar lessons but no money for Carol to go horseback riding even once.  When I told my dad I wanted to go to college, his reply "I don't know how you're going to get there."

 

We were never given any encouragement to do anything.  It was always, "You don't want to do that."  "You can't do that."  "We don't have the money for that." 

 

I was in a play, Little House on the Prairie, where I played Mary.  I had a few lines because it was really about Laura and her relationship with "Pa".  My mom dropped me off and had another parent bring me home.  Neither parent even bothered to come see it.  I had worked for weeks on this and no one showed up.  

 

When I got fat and then fatter, my parents would say, "you need to lose weight," but no changes were made in the food served at home or in my school lunches.  No one took time to help me make different choices because I really didn't have any other choices.  I was a kid! 

 

By the time I got to high school, I was so depressed and introverted that it took everything I had to go to school and get  home every day.  At school, I had 5 or 6 good friends, thank God (a few I still have today).  They were my life line.  When I was in class, though, I would not talk or interact with anyone else.  I remember one year, I wore a green coat everyday, even when it was hot, to cover myself.  I probably weighed 180 and wore a size 16, which isn't obese by today's standards but then it was.

 

At the end of the day, I would get home in such physical pain that I could barely walk or stand up.  I had severe abdominal cramping from stress. I'd come in, put my things down and go to bed for a few hours.  Not once, did my Mom ever ask what was wrong.  What was going on.  If she could help.

 

I knew better than to say anything because when I did, my concerns were brushed aside and minimized.  I had long given up asking for anything.  I was shamed out of asking for things.

 

Is it any wonder I have a hard time claiming what I want?  Grasping for my dream?  Asking for what I need?

 

My parents went through a major crisis in their marriage and finally woke up.  Changes started happening.  I will cover that next time.

 

I hope this doesn't sound all 'Woe is Me"  It has a happy ending.  I promise.