So What Changed?

Right after I graduated from high school, my mother began having a problem swallowing.  Her throat would close up and she would feel like she was going to choke.  This would cause her to panic, of course, and she would take a valium.  After this went on for a few months, she realized she was addicted to the valium and she quit taking it.  As soon as she did, the swallowing and choking problem came back.

 

She saw a throat specialist who performed some tests.  His conclusion was it was psychosomatic and he recommended she seek professional counseling.  This shook her to the core but she followed his advise and began seeing a therapist.  What she found through therapy was that she had been so repressed as a child and in her marriage that she was literally strangling on her repressed emotions.  The anger and rage she had been suppressing all those years was trying to get out and her throat was closing up to keep it in.

 

My Dad's anger and controlling behavior had pushed her into a corner and she couldn't be pushed any further.  It was time for her to fight back.  (The Theme from Rocky begins to play in the background.....  LOL).  The lid was about to blow off the kettle and everything was going to change. 

 

Within 6 months she had pretty much kicked my Dad's ass out of the house.  (GO MOM!).

He was, of course, devastated and thought she didn't really know what she wanted.  When he talked to me about it, I don't know where I got the courage to tell him, "Yes, Dad, she does know what she wants.  She wants to be treated with respect."

 

Well, he never did move out but he got his butt into counseling too.  He learned that he was a selfish bastard, mean and angry and that he needed to ease up and be nicer.  He also found out he should have told his kids at least once or twice in their lives that he loved them. 

 

What a shock it was the first time he told us he loved us.  We all looked at him with this blank stare.... "Who are you and what have you done with our Dad?"  I know I thought, "Yeah, right."  I was 19 years old and hearing this for the first time.  Why the hell should I believe it.  He had to show me through his actions that he was changing and that he was sincere.

 

Over the next year, I went into therapy, too.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.  I found out that I was depressed.  LOL   I thought everyone felt the way I did.  I never knew I was depressed.  I found out I couldn't identify any of my feelings.  I had never allowed myself to experience any of the positive emotions like joy, love, desire, lust, etc.  because I was so fearful of rejection and I was locked in this deep depression.  (I feel so sad when I look back at this moment in time.  I wish there had been drugs like Zoloft or Lexapro. What a difference they could have made in my life.  I spent years and years battling a depression that is chemically based.  I blamed myself for it.  I thought I just hadn't worked hard enough at my therapy to get rid of it.  It seemed that I was just doomed to have an underlying depression my entire life until I found this medication about 5 years ago.)  It took about 2 1/2 years of therapy for me to break out of that shell that kept me locked within myself.  I was liberated.

 

Of course, emotional growth is an ongoing process. We never 'GET THERE' .  We live and learn.  We age and as we do, our views change, our needs change, and we continue to grow.  Life is never boring.  Something new is always just around the corner.

 

As the years have moved on, my relationship with my parents has become very close and loving.  All is forgiven and it is really difficult for me to go back and write about the past.  I don't go back there very often because I feel it's been resolved and I enjoy NOW so much that it seems a waste of energy to dwell on something that happened so long ago and something that can't be changed anyway.

 

My Dad has been sober for over 25 years.  It's kind of strange because his drinking was never addressed in therapy.  It was THE problem and yet it was never talked about.  That still amazes me.  Well, anyway, he just woke up one morning hung over and feeling like hell.  He said to himself, "I'm a damned fool to pay to feel like this," and he's never had another drink.

 

He apologizes almost every time we see him (we, meaning his kids) about being such a lousy Dad when we were growing up.  I just hug him and tell him that it's how he is now that matters and I know he loves me.  I tell him I forgave him a long time ago and it would be really nice if he would just forgive himself.

 

So, there has been a lot of healing within our family. Good things have come out of a lot of pain.  But, as happens, I have carried forward some emotional baggage that even therapy didn't cure.  My need to feel needed.  My fear of rejection.  My fear of asking for what I need and want within the relationship.  My fear of speaking up for myself.  All of that has kept me fat and stuck.  It's just now, at 57 years old, that I am finally putting it together and realizing that all of these things have to flow together to get healthy and stay that way. 

 

This is my journey.  This is my challenge.  This is my life.  I'm taking one day at a time and doing the very best I can with it.  Making good choices.  Taking full responsibility for those choices.  Not making excuses for anything.  Standing up for myself when it's important and, the hard part, starting to trust again.