My son called Friday night and told me that my daughter-in-law's dad would be in town from Arizona for Christmas and informed me that he would be joining us for Christmas Eve. Was I gracious about it? NO. I was not. I pouted and said, 'well, I guess he can come' or something like that. Bryan said, "Well, thanks for your support."
I went on to explain that my sister's husband wasn't even invited because he has such a bah-humbug attitude about Christmas and I wanted this year to be fun, festive, no-stress and focused on the kids. I explained that I was really selfish with my time with them but that I would be polite and that they were welcome to bring him.
After I got off the phone, my husband and daughter were giving me this, 'What-Was-That-All-About?' look. When I explained that Bryan and Shannon were going to bring her dad, I expected them to moan and complain like I did. They surprised me and said, "So? He's not a bad guy. He's nice, quiet and it's not a big deal."
Well, I felt like a big jerk (which I was). I wasn't very loving and kind at all. Where was my Christmas spirit? I gave myself a good talking to and this morning I called Bryan and apologized. I told him that Shannon's dad was welcome in our home anytime he was in town and that I was out of line to make a stink about him coming on Christmas Eve. I made sure he understood that my apology and my invitation was sincere so there would be no uncomfortable feelings when they arrive on Christmas Eve. I feel better about that one aspect of things. Now I need to get busy and work on my attitude in other areas.
My issues with my sister's husband are somewhat different than the situation with Shannon's dad. My brother-in-law, who I love dearly, does not enjoy Christmas. He actually hates it. He comes with my sister on Christmas Eve and right after we eat dinner, he starts looking at his watch and making comments that it's almost time to leave. We haven't even opened gifts yet and he's ready to pull her out the door. They do leave here and drive to his parents' house which is about 90 minutes away but, come on, give us time to exchange gifts before you pull her away from the fun.
My sister was going to come by herself this year while he went on to his parents' home. To be honest, I was elated! I could have her here to enjoy the day and her time with the kids without having to listen to him start his whine about leaving at 6:36. LOL Then when she told me that he wanted to come, I was so disappointed. She asked me if that was a problem and I explained how hard it was when he came for (1) her to relax and have fun and (2) how he checked his watch every two minutes to get her to leave early. She agreed that it was a problem for her, too, so she talked to him. She told him he was invited IF he could relax, have fun, and not look at his watch and make her leave before 9:30. He responded by saying, "I don't know if I can do that." (He's so honest!) So he's deciding if he can behave. LOL If he can he will be here, if he can't she will come alone.
See, that's what I love about my brother-in-law so much. He is so honest and up front about everything. I can say something like that to him - as directly as that and he doesn't get all hurt and pissy about it. He handles it and agrees that he's like that. LOL He's awesome. He knows I love him to pieces and this is just one little thing that drives me nuts. It's not a big deal between us because we are so open with each other. He doesn't want to be uncomfortable either so he will probably decide to stay with his folks that night.
The next thing I want to deal with is my need to make everything perfect. I get myself all tense and cranky because I think I have to make Christmas perfect for everyone. When my kids were little I spoiled them by getting them just about everything on their lists. I was wrong todo that. If I had to do it over again, I would have given them a lot less. There were no surprises. They knew if it was on the list it was under the tree. When I was a kid, there wasn't much under the tree on Christmas morning. My parents had 4 kids and very little money. I didn't understand why Santa was so cheap when it came to our house. LOL
This year, I have made the decision to cut back on how much I spend on my grandchildren. I have set a spending limit and it is killing me to stay within it. I see things when I'm out and I am so tempted to buy, buy, buy..... It is good for me to do this and to be OK with what I give them. With the 4th one on the way, I just cannot continue to indulge them like I used to indulge them when there were only 2.
It's complicated. Part of my need to give so much is that I am compensating for what I didn't get. The other part of it is I never feel like I'm enough or that I do enough. I am working to get over feeling like this. It's a very uncomfortable place to be. I hope by writing about it I can start to get over these feelings. I would really like to get through the next 4 weeks feeling happy instead of being cranky and stressed out.
10 comments:
Glad you got all the Christmas "problems" sorted. I am sure everything will work out and you will have a lovely time.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/JeannettesJottings/
Sometimes I feel like you in the "gift giving" department. I just want my kids to have everything so they don't feel like I did growing up and now I realize that they will NEVER feel like I did because they have had a very different childhood than I did. It's not all about the GIFTS. We teach our kids that...how come we can't get it????? (lol)
Also, the having a PERFECT day? I used to have the PERFECTLY clean house when company came. Why? Because that is the way my mom is. Trouble is, we had a clean house growing up...but we didn't have much laughing and fun!! I finally figured it all out...about 2 years ago. (LOL) I'm a slow learner!!!
BUT...the brother in law would stress me out too. Good thing you can talk about it with your sister! In my family, it's my SISTER who stresses me out!!!! (LOL)
((hugs))
Jeanne
I hope you accomplish your mission to enjoy the season more! Jae
It is difficult to hold back on the present buying ,and as for the trying visitors ,well its nice to play the hotess but dont forget its your Christmas too .. love Jan xx
I`ve found I rather indulge Roman at Christmas, far more than I know I should but I find it hard not to buy everything in the toyshop! It`s not too bad at the moment because he`s the only grandchild but it wouldn`t be so easy if another comes along. What a shame your BIL doesn`t like Christmas, but then I`ve always loved it myself.
Sandra xxxx
I think I over compensated my children ar Christmas (And still tend to lean that way) because I NEVER got anything I wanted for Christmas. I got nice gifts, of course, but it was never what I had on my wish list. I, too, am spending less this Christmas, and TRYING not to buy too much for the granddaughter.
~~Kath~~
My family are all getting T-shirts from Alaska. LOL Well, there'll be other things too. My brother, sis in law and myself.. give each other a gift basket. This time their's will have some Alaska stuff in it. I think there's a pot holder, some little jars of jam (with an Alaska theme), sourdough starter, etc. Another thing I do for my nieces & their families is take a quart jar and put the dry ingredients for cookies with directions on what to add to get those cookies made. I put some Christmas fabric and a ribbon around the top and you have a great, fun and useful gift. And I have also cut back on my 2 grandkids because once I retire, there just isn't going to be that much money for gifts, Linda in Washington
Family politics comes into full bloom this time of year.
I hope you enjoy the season. I know mine is going to be very low key this year. I have no problems with that! Rather looking forward to keeping it that way.
Monica
I wish I had family politics to deal with, but if I don't spend Christmas with my X husband's family, than I generally stay home by myself. I don't mind. Thanksgiving is my holiday. I never cared for Christmas much, because I was always struggling financially when my kids were younger that I couldn't afford to buy them everything they wanted. They never complained though. They were happy with whatever I got for them.
I think though, if someone is going to be a grump at Christmas, they should stay home. Why ruin it for everyone else, just because you're a bah humbug? Right? It's good that you can tell your BIL how you feel, and he doesn't get all butt hurt about it.
Relax and enjoy yourself, Kathy. You have a loving family, and the means with which to have a nice Christmas. You are fortunate enough to be able to afford to spoil your grandkids a bit.. but you are right to not overdo it. Sometimes you can have too much.. and not appreciate it.. you know what I mean?
You are a loving grandmother and mother.. just go with that! :)
Hugs
Jackie
The only reason we had gifts when I was a kid was whenever my grandma would save my parents and give us Christmas. She spoiled me rotten especially. I never felt like we lacked at Christmas but the season always gives me weird feelings too. My ex always from day one had to compete with me over gifts even when we were married, which wasn't long only 3 years. Even with my boys 24 and 22 he still spends way too much on them. 4 years ago I was gone for Christmas (in CAlifornia!)_and it was great, last year I left town on Christmas night! I still have to push the feeling away to buy a bunch of junk for my kids and stepkids & the are all over the age of 20 and can get their own stuff. It's the thought right? Liz is 18 and I have the perfect gift in mind afterall in my mind she's a kid still because she's in high school. And then there's the grandkids they have way too much and Mark's ex always buy so many toys that my dil gives most of the away by summer! So it will be a small toy and clothes for the grandkids. And a little something for the boys. And me hopefully Christmas day I will be sitting on the beach in St Petesburg! HO HO HO! YOu are not wrong to want to remember the spirit of family this time of year! ~rose~
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