Friday Night

My One Year Anniversary entry got some great feedback.  Thank you for all of the kind and supportive comments.  It was uncomfortable for me to share some of the things I did and but I am glad that I did.  The response I got has given me the courage to continue to share on a deeper, more personal level, in the hope that it will help move me forward toward my ultimate goal of physical and emotional health and that my journey might help someone else who is reading this.  I don't have a magic solution.  There isn't one, darn it.  I do know that in the past year I have found that if I am really honest with myself about everything, if I take responsibility for myself, if I accept that I have a choice about what I eat and I can say NO to foods that are going to make me stay 'sick' then success is possible.  I had to get to the point where I was willing to give up the food to survive.  My weight was killing me a little bit each day.  I had Type II Diabetes that wasn't being controlled by medication because I was eating poorly.  My cholesterol was 268.  My blood pressure was high.  My body hurt and I could hardly get up the stairs anymore.  If I went to the mall for something it was in and out.  No leisurely walk through the mall to window shop for hours.  I had enough stamina for 45 minutes at best.  I wasn't interested in going anywhere because it took such an effort.  If I got down on the floor to play with my grandchildren, I couldn't get back up.  LOL - I was like a turtle on its back.  The turning point came for me when my doctor told me I had to start injecting a medication (not insulin) that would control the amount of sugar my liver released into my system.  I had to give myself a shot 30 min. before each meal.  I could give myself the injection, although I will admit the first time was creepy.  But each time I did, I would think, "what the hell are you doing to yourself that you have to do this?" 

Less than a month after I started injecting the drug, my sister called to tell me that a friend of hers had lost 152 pounds on a program supervised by a doctor in San Luis Obispo.  She explained a little about it and gave me Dee's phone number so I could talk to her.  As I talked to my sister, I KNEW this was the answer. I don't know how I knew it but I did.  I thought this was an answer to my prayers.

I had an hour long conversation with Dee.  She told me about the doctor, the program and how she had succeeded losing 152 pounds.  Her excitement and positive attitude convinced me to make an appointment.  On Oct. 31, 2005, I was in his office and on Nov. 1st I started the program.  It is basically the South Beach Phase I program.  Lean meat, vegetables, small amount of fresh fruit, lots of water and supplements.  I take vitamin B-Complex, fish oil, calcium, and Magnesium.  These things make sure that I am getting all the nutrients my body needs but might not be getting with the foods I eat.  I eat NO sugar, flour, rice, potato, or other starchy things like tortillas.  I tell people I don't eat anything white but I do eat cottage cheese so that's not entirely true.

Within 3 months of eating like this, I was off ALL my medications for diabetes.  My cholesterol is now 198.  My blood pressure has been normal for months.  I can spend all day at the mall and then go out for dinner that night.  I can chase my grandchildren and catch them. 

So every 6 to 8 weeks, I take the train up to San Luis Obispo.  My sister lives about 30 minutes north of there so she picks me up and I spend a few days with her.  I see the doctor the morning after I arrive and then have the weekend with Carol.  It works out great. 

Has it been easy?  For the most part, yes.  I was ready to do this.  There were times when it was difficult.  I wouldn't have anyone over for dinner for the first few months because I didn't want to think about food long enough to plan a meal for others.  Holidays, the first few days of the cruise, and a few other times when food has been the center of the event I felt myself pout and feel deprived.  At those times, I would have to give myself an attitude adjustment.  I could go ahead and eat anything I wanted.  Who was stopping me?  But, I knew that the ultimate decision was mine and I was responsible for it.  There was no excuse I could come up with that could justify putting sugar back into my body.  To be very honest, I am scared to death that if I eat sweets again it will start the cycle all over again and I will lose control.  I don't know if it's true or not but I am not willing to find out.  Besides. I know how I would feel if I had sugar in my system.  I would get sluggish, my feet would throb, my blood sugars would soar, my heart would start racing, and I'd feel like crap.  Who wants to feel like that?  Not me.

Where did this weight struggle start for me?  When I was about 8 years old and in 3rd grade I recall realizing I was bigger around the waist than my teacher.  She was a tiny little thing but still!  I was 8 and she was in her 20's.  In fourth grade I weighed right around 100 pounds.  In those days, twice a year the school nurse would roll the big scale into the hallway outside the class room and call each kid out one by one to get weighed and measured.  I remember just dreading my name being called.  When it was, I went out followed by two of the boys who watched me get weighed and then ran back into the class to announce the number to everyone else who was waiting to hear.  I was so embarrassed.  It was the year I became aware that I was different from everyone else and that I wasn't liked very much because of my weight.  Kids back in those days weren't fat.  It was rare.  I think there were a handful of kids in the school who were overweight.  It made it very hard on those of us who were.  I isolated myself to spare being rejected. It was the beginning of a depression that has haunted me my entire life. 

What was my home life like and why didn't my parents help?  That's a topic for another entry.  I'll write about that next.