So What Changed?

Right after I graduated from high school, my mother began having a problem swallowing.  Her throat would close up and she would feel like she was going to choke.  This would cause her to panic, of course, and she would take a valium.  After this went on for a few months, she realized she was addicted to the valium and she quit taking it.  As soon as she did, the swallowing and choking problem came back.

 

She saw a throat specialist who performed some tests.  His conclusion was it was psychosomatic and he recommended she seek professional counseling.  This shook her to the core but she followed his advise and began seeing a therapist.  What she found through therapy was that she had been so repressed as a child and in her marriage that she was literally strangling on her repressed emotions.  The anger and rage she had been suppressing all those years was trying to get out and her throat was closing up to keep it in.

 

My Dad's anger and controlling behavior had pushed her into a corner and she couldn't be pushed any further.  It was time for her to fight back.  (The Theme from Rocky begins to play in the background.....  LOL).  The lid was about to blow off the kettle and everything was going to change. 

 

Within 6 months she had pretty much kicked my Dad's ass out of the house.  (GO MOM!).

He was, of course, devastated and thought she didn't really know what she wanted.  When he talked to me about it, I don't know where I got the courage to tell him, "Yes, Dad, she does know what she wants.  She wants to be treated with respect."

 

Well, he never did move out but he got his butt into counseling too.  He learned that he was a selfish bastard, mean and angry and that he needed to ease up and be nicer.  He also found out he should have told his kids at least once or twice in their lives that he loved them. 

 

What a shock it was the first time he told us he loved us.  We all looked at him with this blank stare.... "Who are you and what have you done with our Dad?"  I know I thought, "Yeah, right."  I was 19 years old and hearing this for the first time.  Why the hell should I believe it.  He had to show me through his actions that he was changing and that he was sincere.

 

Over the next year, I went into therapy, too.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.  I found out that I was depressed.  LOL   I thought everyone felt the way I did.  I never knew I was depressed.  I found out I couldn't identify any of my feelings.  I had never allowed myself to experience any of the positive emotions like joy, love, desire, lust, etc.  because I was so fearful of rejection and I was locked in this deep depression.  (I feel so sad when I look back at this moment in time.  I wish there had been drugs like Zoloft or Lexapro. What a difference they could have made in my life.  I spent years and years battling a depression that is chemically based.  I blamed myself for it.  I thought I just hadn't worked hard enough at my therapy to get rid of it.  It seemed that I was just doomed to have an underlying depression my entire life until I found this medication about 5 years ago.)  It took about 2 1/2 years of therapy for me to break out of that shell that kept me locked within myself.  I was liberated.

 

Of course, emotional growth is an ongoing process. We never 'GET THERE' .  We live and learn.  We age and as we do, our views change, our needs change, and we continue to grow.  Life is never boring.  Something new is always just around the corner.

 

As the years have moved on, my relationship with my parents has become very close and loving.  All is forgiven and it is really difficult for me to go back and write about the past.  I don't go back there very often because I feel it's been resolved and I enjoy NOW so much that it seems a waste of energy to dwell on something that happened so long ago and something that can't be changed anyway.

 

My Dad has been sober for over 25 years.  It's kind of strange because his drinking was never addressed in therapy.  It was THE problem and yet it was never talked about.  That still amazes me.  Well, anyway, he just woke up one morning hung over and feeling like hell.  He said to himself, "I'm a damned fool to pay to feel like this," and he's never had another drink.

 

He apologizes almost every time we see him (we, meaning his kids) about being such a lousy Dad when we were growing up.  I just hug him and tell him that it's how he is now that matters and I know he loves me.  I tell him I forgave him a long time ago and it would be really nice if he would just forgive himself.

 

So, there has been a lot of healing within our family. Good things have come out of a lot of pain.  But, as happens, I have carried forward some emotional baggage that even therapy didn't cure.  My need to feel needed.  My fear of rejection.  My fear of asking for what I need and want within the relationship.  My fear of speaking up for myself.  All of that has kept me fat and stuck.  It's just now, at 57 years old, that I am finally putting it together and realizing that all of these things have to flow together to get healthy and stay that way. 

 

This is my journey.  This is my challenge.  This is my life.  I'm taking one day at a time and doing the very best I can with it.  Making good choices.  Taking full responsibility for those choices.  Not making excuses for anything.  Standing up for myself when it's important and, the hard part, starting to trust again. 

Where Were My Parents?

Things have changed so much in the way we parent our kids.  It's better and yet it's not.  We are totally THERE for our kids these days.  That's great as long as we are also making them responsible for their behavior and accountable.  So many in my generation haven't done a very good job of getting the kids ready to face the real world.  We raised them to think they were special and the rules could be bent for them. 

 

I was a very involved parent who wanted to know what was going on with my kids all the time - to a fault sometimes.  If I thought they were hurting or upset I wanted to know what was going on.  "Talk to me about it!"  Well, sometimes they would and other times, they would just want to be left alone to work it out themselves.  I was overly sensitive to their feelings, needs and concerns..... WHY?  Because my parents were oblivious to anything I needed, felt or wanted.  This is not an exaggeration. 

 

 My Dad worked nights.  He was asleep when we left for school and at work when we got home.  He was home on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday until about 3 p.m.  When he was home, he was taking care of things that needed to be done around the house or watching TV.  We did have meals together, I will give them that.  That was an important time and I remember all of us around the table.  My dad was also a closet alcoholic.  We never actually saw him drink because he hid his booze in the garage.  He would go out there and drink and then come back in the house.  As soon as the liquor took effect, he became angry and argumentative.  It was really scary because I never saw it coming.  I didn't know until I was around 16 why he acted like that so I thought I must be a horrible child to cause him to be so pissed off all the time.  I hid out in my bedroom on weekends to avoid as much contact with him as possible.

 

My Mom was around.  I know this because I saw her.  I do not remember her interacting with us very much at all.  I remember her cooking our meals.  My sister says she sat out on the patio and read most of the time.  She did the laundry because my sister and I had to hang the clothes outside as we didn't have a dryer in those days.  She did the bare minimum in child care.  There were four of us so I imagine it was pretty overwhelming at times.  There was no  money and only one car so she was stuck at home.  My Dad was controlling so she didn't dare have a life of her own.  (Is it any wonder I disappeared into my marriage?)  I recall her washing our hair in the big sink out in the garage.  It was easier on her back because it was up higher.  We'd line up with our towels.  She would shampoo us and the water would be nearly black.  How long had it been since we'd had our hair washed?  I can't recall how long it was between washings but my gosh, to have the water run black it must have been a long time.  

 

My Dad was on a bowling team that got together once a week.  He went fishing.  He had money for booze.  I had two outfits and my sister wore a pair of shoes held together with duct tape.  My mom never got to do anything.  There was money for the boys to play baseball and for one to take guitar lessons but no money for Carol to go horseback riding even once.  When I told my dad I wanted to go to college, his reply "I don't know how you're going to get there."

 

We were never given any encouragement to do anything.  It was always, "You don't want to do that."  "You can't do that."  "We don't have the money for that." 

 

I was in a play, Little House on the Prairie, where I played Mary.  I had a few lines because it was really about Laura and her relationship with "Pa".  My mom dropped me off and had another parent bring me home.  Neither parent even bothered to come see it.  I had worked for weeks on this and no one showed up.  

 

When I got fat and then fatter, my parents would say, "you need to lose weight," but no changes were made in the food served at home or in my school lunches.  No one took time to help me make different choices because I really didn't have any other choices.  I was a kid! 

 

By the time I got to high school, I was so depressed and introverted that it took everything I had to go to school and get  home every day.  At school, I had 5 or 6 good friends, thank God (a few I still have today).  They were my life line.  When I was in class, though, I would not talk or interact with anyone else.  I remember one year, I wore a green coat everyday, even when it was hot, to cover myself.  I probably weighed 180 and wore a size 16, which isn't obese by today's standards but then it was.

 

At the end of the day, I would get home in such physical pain that I could barely walk or stand up.  I had severe abdominal cramping from stress. I'd come in, put my things down and go to bed for a few hours.  Not once, did my Mom ever ask what was wrong.  What was going on.  If she could help.

 

I knew better than to say anything because when I did, my concerns were brushed aside and minimized.  I had long given up asking for anything.  I was shamed out of asking for things.

 

Is it any wonder I have a hard time claiming what I want?  Grasping for my dream?  Asking for what I need?

 

My parents went through a major crisis in their marriage and finally woke up.  Changes started happening.  I will cover that next time.

 

I hope this doesn't sound all 'Woe is Me"  It has a happy ending.  I promise.

Color Test

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

I got the above link from Jeannette at Welcome to my travels.  She got it from another journaler.  You take this test and it gives you a profile.  Here is mine:

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

I don't know how true it is.  I guess some of it fits.  Kind of interesting, though.

Friday Night

My One Year Anniversary entry got some great feedback.  Thank you for all of the kind and supportive comments.  It was uncomfortable for me to share some of the things I did and but I am glad that I did.  The response I got has given me the courage to continue to share on a deeper, more personal level, in the hope that it will help move me forward toward my ultimate goal of physical and emotional health and that my journey might help someone else who is reading this.  I don't have a magic solution.  There isn't one, darn it.  I do know that in the past year I have found that if I am really honest with myself about everything, if I take responsibility for myself, if I accept that I have a choice about what I eat and I can say NO to foods that are going to make me stay 'sick' then success is possible.  I had to get to the point where I was willing to give up the food to survive.  My weight was killing me a little bit each day.  I had Type II Diabetes that wasn't being controlled by medication because I was eating poorly.  My cholesterol was 268.  My blood pressure was high.  My body hurt and I could hardly get up the stairs anymore.  If I went to the mall for something it was in and out.  No leisurely walk through the mall to window shop for hours.  I had enough stamina for 45 minutes at best.  I wasn't interested in going anywhere because it took such an effort.  If I got down on the floor to play with my grandchildren, I couldn't get back up.  LOL - I was like a turtle on its back.  The turning point came for me when my doctor told me I had to start injecting a medication (not insulin) that would control the amount of sugar my liver released into my system.  I had to give myself a shot 30 min. before each meal.  I could give myself the injection, although I will admit the first time was creepy.  But each time I did, I would think, "what the hell are you doing to yourself that you have to do this?" 

Less than a month after I started injecting the drug, my sister called to tell me that a friend of hers had lost 152 pounds on a program supervised by a doctor in San Luis Obispo.  She explained a little about it and gave me Dee's phone number so I could talk to her.  As I talked to my sister, I KNEW this was the answer. I don't know how I knew it but I did.  I thought this was an answer to my prayers.

I had an hour long conversation with Dee.  She told me about the doctor, the program and how she had succeeded losing 152 pounds.  Her excitement and positive attitude convinced me to make an appointment.  On Oct. 31, 2005, I was in his office and on Nov. 1st I started the program.  It is basically the South Beach Phase I program.  Lean meat, vegetables, small amount of fresh fruit, lots of water and supplements.  I take vitamin B-Complex, fish oil, calcium, and Magnesium.  These things make sure that I am getting all the nutrients my body needs but might not be getting with the foods I eat.  I eat NO sugar, flour, rice, potato, or other starchy things like tortillas.  I tell people I don't eat anything white but I do eat cottage cheese so that's not entirely true.

Within 3 months of eating like this, I was off ALL my medications for diabetes.  My cholesterol is now 198.  My blood pressure has been normal for months.  I can spend all day at the mall and then go out for dinner that night.  I can chase my grandchildren and catch them. 

So every 6 to 8 weeks, I take the train up to San Luis Obispo.  My sister lives about 30 minutes north of there so she picks me up and I spend a few days with her.  I see the doctor the morning after I arrive and then have the weekend with Carol.  It works out great. 

Has it been easy?  For the most part, yes.  I was ready to do this.  There were times when it was difficult.  I wouldn't have anyone over for dinner for the first few months because I didn't want to think about food long enough to plan a meal for others.  Holidays, the first few days of the cruise, and a few other times when food has been the center of the event I felt myself pout and feel deprived.  At those times, I would have to give myself an attitude adjustment.  I could go ahead and eat anything I wanted.  Who was stopping me?  But, I knew that the ultimate decision was mine and I was responsible for it.  There was no excuse I could come up with that could justify putting sugar back into my body.  To be very honest, I am scared to death that if I eat sweets again it will start the cycle all over again and I will lose control.  I don't know if it's true or not but I am not willing to find out.  Besides. I know how I would feel if I had sugar in my system.  I would get sluggish, my feet would throb, my blood sugars would soar, my heart would start racing, and I'd feel like crap.  Who wants to feel like that?  Not me.

Where did this weight struggle start for me?  When I was about 8 years old and in 3rd grade I recall realizing I was bigger around the waist than my teacher.  She was a tiny little thing but still!  I was 8 and she was in her 20's.  In fourth grade I weighed right around 100 pounds.  In those days, twice a year the school nurse would roll the big scale into the hallway outside the class room and call each kid out one by one to get weighed and measured.  I remember just dreading my name being called.  When it was, I went out followed by two of the boys who watched me get weighed and then ran back into the class to announce the number to everyone else who was waiting to hear.  I was so embarrassed.  It was the year I became aware that I was different from everyone else and that I wasn't liked very much because of my weight.  Kids back in those days weren't fat.  It was rare.  I think there were a handful of kids in the school who were overweight.  It made it very hard on those of us who were.  I isolated myself to spare being rejected. It was the beginning of a depression that has haunted me my entire life. 

What was my home life like and why didn't my parents help?  That's a topic for another entry.  I'll write about that next. 

Re: Bryan's Special Needs LOL

When I re-read my entry and I saw I had written 'special needs' I thought I should explain.  He is very bright and never fit into the regular school system way of doing things.  Had I known what his learning 'style' was back then, I would have made difference choices for his education.  He just didn't fit into the system's mold especially in high school.  He was smarter than most of his teachers and he really needed to be in a more challenging environment.  Well, live and learn...  He survived and he's thriving in the world doing things his way.   I just love that about him...

Bryan's Birthday

Today is my son's 33rd birthday.  I called and left a message on his cell phone this morning.  I sang the "Happy Birthday" song all the way through and then I told him I loved him and asked him to call me back when he had a chance so I could talk to him.  He phoned back about a half hour later.

  "Get my message?"  I asked.

   He laughed,  "I sure did."

   "Were you delighted with my singing?"

   He laughed again, "I don't know if I'd go that far but it sure made me happy to hear from you."

   We had a nice visit.  He and his wife and the youngest of their kids, Andrew, who will be 2 on the 20th, had dropped the older 2 off at school and then they went out to breakfast.  What a nice start to his day!

  We are meeting for dinner tomorrow night and then everyone is coming back here for a few hours.  I'll get an angel food cake, with no frosting, and some ice cream.  LOL   I remember when he was a kid and I would serve plain angel food cake at his party.  Everyone would look at me like I was the laziest - worst mom on the earth.  "What can I say?"  I would explain.  "It's his very favorite!"

  He never liked frosting, whipped cream, soft serve ice cream, or pie. He preferred sour candy like Skittles or Starburst to chocolate and one of his favorite snacks was to grab the lettuce crisper out of the refrigerator and sit in front of the TV with it and a salt shaker.  He'd pull a leaf off, salt it and then eat it.  By the time he was done, the whole head of lettuce would be gone.  Who's kid was this????  LOL

  He was the most challenging of our two kids to raise and I must say the most interesting.  I never knew what he was going to do next.  It's too bad he wasn't the second child.  I would have been better equipped to deal with his special needs and weall might have done better.  The good news is, he turned out to be a wonderful guy.  He's married to a terrific woman, has three super-duper kids with another one on the way.  He's a hard worker, has goals and drive, and he loves God.  What more can you ask?  I'd say nothing.

  If I sound like an overly proud mom, it's just because I am. 

  Happy Birthday, Bryan!!!

My 1 Year Anniversary

I started my weight loss program one year ago today.  I've posted two pictures.  the first one was taken about a month before I started the program.  The second was taken about a half hour ago.  I've lost about 84 pounds and gained good health, self-confidence and self-respect.  I'm about 22 pounds away from my goal weight.  I will be honest and say that I am a disappointed that I'm not at goal tonight.  I thought I would be.  I am not letting it get in the way of embracing my accomplishment.  The rest of the weight will come off and I'm not going to put any pressure on myself about when.  It doesn't really matter, does it, as long as I am eating the right things and taking care of myself on a daily basis.  If I'm doing the work and following my plan, I will get there. 

When I made the decision to do this I made a promise to myself and to God to do it right this time.  I had tried EVERYTHING to lose the weight in the past and had failed every time.  In the past, I hadn't made the commitment to tackle the job of dealing with the problem on the physical, emotional AND spiritual levels.  I always thought if I lost the weight everything would be OK.  The truth is, when you lose weight, you still have the same problems and issues and if you don't deal with them you are going to gain the weight back.  Often when a person goes from fat to thin, they are forced to deal with a new set of problems on top of the ones they have been avoiding.  Issues of self-confidence, pride, sexuality, how we relate to others, how they relate to us, and a huge list of others must be laid out, looked at, and dealt with. 

For me, I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself to 'disappear' into my marriage.  In the 35 years I've been married, I totally became his wife and their mother.  I lost my own identity and my own list of wants, wishes and desires.  I sacrificed everything for my family.  If you asked me what  I wanted in almost any situation I couldn't come up with an answer.  If I had money to spend I spent it on the kids.  If I had time to plan an event, I'd plan to do something that I knew everyone else would enjoy.  If there was a decision to make, I deferred to him if there was a conflict.  I would give inrather than cause any friction and then feel like, 'oh poor me'.  I became angry and resentful at him when it is really MY problem.  I have a backbone and a voice and I have just started to use my personal  power to stand up for myself and to get what I need. 

It's exciting and awesome and wonderful.  It's scary and sometimes it makes me feel like a bitch and I get guilty and I want to back down.  When I feel like that, I re-examine my position and ask myself, "On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most important) how important is it for me to make a stand."  If it's not really all that important and I'm just being stubborn, then I can give in. BUT if it's a 7.5 - 10, I am standing my ground.  I am amazed at how much more respect I am being shown by everyone in my family.  It's wild!!!  They aren't taking me for granted nearly as much and when they do, I calmly and lovingly (most of the time, lol) remind them.

Not long ago, Dennis shook his head and said, "I don't know if I like all these changes.  I don't feel like I can do anything right."

I assured him that he does a lot of things right but that I can no longer sit back and allow some of these patterns to continue.  I explained to him that I ate to push down all the frustration and anger I was feeling because I felt so powerless in the relationship and in my life.   If I'm going to finish this and get to my goal and if I'm going to keep this weight off, I have to change.  I have to set boundaries and I have to speak up.  I'm not going to live like this anymore.  It's because I love him that I'm doing this.  If I don't change, all the love I have for him is going to go away.  It's going to be eaten up by resentment and I do not want that to happen.  It's a miracle that I can say 'I love him'.  A year ago I didn't know if I had any feelings left for him.  I felt so isolated and alone.  I can see some light and hope and that alone keeps me moving forward.

I didn't intend to get into all of this and to make it so personal but I guess all of this needed to be said.  I'm going to post it before I decide to delete it.