Silence Is Golden

I've been in a mood for the past few weeks.  It's ranged from angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, full of anxiety, and near bitterness to where I am today, which is on the edge of forgiveness and acceptance.  It's been so intense that it nearly tipped me over and I felt like I was going to lose my focus and go off my program.  God, I wanted to eat the couch!  LOL  Not literally, of course, but those nasty carbs were calling my name and it was so hard to stay away from them.  I found myself eating cashews (of all things) and Wheat Thins.  I guess I could rationalize the Wheat Thins because, well - they're thin.  LOL  The nuts I figured were good for you.  A few are good for you, I don't know about a whole can.  Jeez....    It doesn't matter what it was, the point is I was at the edge of losing control and it scared me. 

I stayed in that state of near panic and guilt for about 10 days.  Each morning thinking it would get better but by noon realizing it wasn't because I was dipping into the nuts and crackers again.  I had to ask myself some difficult questions and I had to make choices.

Do I go back into my old pattern of shoving down these uncomfortable feelings with food?  Do I pretend I'm not having trouble and try to fight it by myself?  Do I deny to myself and others that I'm eating things I shouldn't be?  Do I just not weigh myself and ignore the results of the behavior?  In other words, do I go back to my old style of just not dealing with things OR do I use the new tools I have been given this past year?

Well, I decided to use the new tools.  (I'm stopping to pat myself on the back - be back in a second..............................)  Ok, that felt good.  LOL    I called my doctor and told him what was going on.  He gave me four helpful instructions:  Drink more water, exercise more, find a stress relieving process like yoga or whatever, and he gave me a different medication that helps turn off the carb cravings.  It's not an upper or anything like that - it's really OK.  LOL   I have  been talking to my sister a lot.  She knows what I amdealing with because she and I have similar issues with our family history and she has been on the program as long as I have.  She had 40 pounds to lose and she has been on maintenance for nearly 6 months.  She has been SO supportive and totally there for me.  I do not know what I would do without her.  I'm crying as I type this because she means so much to me.  I don't think I could have done this without her.  Anyway, (sniff, sniff - blowing my nose) I'm back on track and I am still feeling those uncomfortable things but I'm not letting them get me off track.

For the first time, I facing them 'sober' and completely honest.  I am even looking at my part in all of this mess.  I see how I could have handled things so much differently and in the future I will do things in a more assertive yet loving way.  Since I have been willing to look at my part and see how I contributed, it's making it easier to get to the forgiveness.

My parents are only going to be here for a short time and I do not want to spend that time being angry at them. I want to love them, honor them and be there when and if they need me.  I will do that.  I am accepting that they are flawed and, guess what? So am I and they love me anyway, too.

So, that's where I've been.  I have been journaling in my private journal to get all of this out.  There are about 20 tirades and tantrums in there and that has helped sort out and clear up a lot of this. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to drive down to Rancho Santa Fe, near San Diego, to visit.  My sister and her husband are visiting his parents.  My BIL's mom had knee surgery a week ago so they are there helping out.  I'm just going for a few hours to see Carol and to pick some oranges.  Once you have oranges from their trees, you never want to buy them in a store again!  They are 98% juice.  Mmmm, sweet and delicious.

I'll leave you humming that old song, "Happy days are here again, ..................."