Sssssssssaturday

I've attached pictures of my new dining room furniture.  I'm so pleased with it.  The table has another 18" leaf so it can comfortably seat 10 when we are all together.  I have two other chairs on order which should be arriving before Thanksgiving.

We have moved art work around and have decided to change the light fixture over the table.  We will shop for that tomorrow.  We moved the painting over the buffet into the family room and are going to find something else to hang there.  It's just like us to do one thing that leads to 6 or 7 other little projects.  Before you know it we will be changing the living room around, too. 

I've had a great time reading journals that are up for VIVI awards.  A lot of the nominated journals are ones that I read regularly but many more are new to me.  There are some amazing writers out there!  Some interesting view points and funny slants on life.  I'm so impressed with the creativity.  My gosh it's amazing what some of you do with graphics, video, and other media.  I bow down to all of you!  We all have such different personalities, interests, view points, and backgrounds and yet there is so much support and, in general, good will toward each other. Awesome! 

I read an entry in one journal that really made me stop and think about something that is going on in my life right now.  The writer talked about disconnecting from certain people and situations.  The writer went on to discuss their situation which I won't go into  but it triggered a lot of emotion and spunk in me.

I have always allowed my personal boundaries set by other people and situations.  It was hard for me to say 'no' because I didn't want to hurt feelings.  It was hard for me to ask for what I wanted and needed because I didn't want to put anyone out and I was afraid they'd say no anyway.  I put up with one sided friendships because at least I had a friend.  I made it ok to be the one who gave and gave and gave and never got anything back because it made me feel like a good person to be such a 'giver'.  To be honest, I didn't notice for years how one sided things were because I never asked for anything back.  I took the left overs.  I did without so others could have what they needed.  I was such a martyr. I lived in a box about 2' x 2' x 2'. 

Well, the lid's off the box. I'm stepping out of it and I guarantee the lid won't be going back on.  Things are shaking around here and there are a lot of very surprised people wondering who I am and where Kathy went.  I'm asserting myself, without being aggressive and bitchy <I hope>, and making a place for myself that is clearly defined by the boundaries I set up.

An example of this is as simple as this:  When cleaning out all the closets, I found numerous pieces of art work, little knickknacks, and things that I had set out to enjoy had been put away in the dark recesses of the closets by my husband.  He hadn't asked me if he could remove these things.  He had just done it.  He counted on the fact that I wouldn't notice and wouldn't say anything.  To be honest, if I hadn't cleaned out the sewing room, those things may have been up there another 3 years.  BUT, I found them and it ticked me off that he had put them away without even asking me if it was OK.  With my future son-in-law's help, because they were on very high shelves that I couldn't reach, every item was brought down and returned to where I had put it originally.  That evening, I talked to my husband and told him that if he wanted something moved or removed that he could ask me first before just hiding it away.  He has a way of making me feel, sometimes, that this is his space and that I don't have any feedback about what goes into it.  That's not going to happen anymore.  When I explained how this all made me feel, he agreed that in the future, he'd ask before he moved anything. 

When I was out shopping yesterday for a table runner, I realized how hard it was for me to make a decision.  Each item I picked up made me wonder what Dennis would think of it.  I'd decide whether or not to get it based on what I thought he would think rather than what I thought.  Once I realized what was going on, I had a stern talk with myself and I went back thru the tableware dept. and found what I liked and bought it.  I had to give myself the space to make that decision and make it OK.  Isn't that silly?  A little thing like that!  Well, that's my struggle right now.  I'm setting those boundaries and I'm asserting myself and finding my place in the world, in my marriage, in my friendships and on and on....  It's good but it's a challenge.  I have to do this if I'm going to continue to win the battle of keeping this weight off and getting healthy physically and emotionally.  I cannot go back to the old ways of eating or behaving if I expect things to change permanently.

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